Mental, mardy, but a little bit marvellous..


Fuming at the moment. Asked Superdad to have the two littlest boys for two weeks in the holidays. He said he doesn’t think so. So I asked for a week. He says he’ll let me know but he doesn’t think so because (and I quote) “reasons”. 

So I say I will pay for food and electric and it’s only 2 small people so what’s the problem and all of a sudden I’m pushing and I’ll make him say no if I keep pushing.. I’m so tired of this.

Every time I try to arrange something or make plans he just stands in the way, so I have to cancel or change or just plain not do anything. It’s ridiculous. It winds me right up. 

I try and give him the benefit of the doubt but let’s be honest. It’s too much like hard work for him to look after anyone but himself. Apologies for the angry rant. 

Saved and surrounded 

My bad day on Wednesday turned into a good day. Mr Fantastic said I could go see him and I wouldn’t be in the way and I pretty much jumped at the chance. So that was a good night after an awful day.

Yesterday was a good day. In the grand scheme of things it was a ridiculously good day. Shopping and cooking and cleaning and busyness and then Mr Fantastic once he finished work. The children were so happy to see him, they absolutely adore the bones of him. So that was lovely, and we left about 8.30 to take him home so we got some hours of alone time and oh! It was so perfect. I’m so in love. He’s so marvellous. Everything I ever wanted in the most gorgeous handsome man I ever laid eyes on. He literally melts me. 
And today…. isn’t. It isn’t anything. It’s not good or bad, it just is. It exists and I guess that’s all I can say about it. The bed is in the living room for camping already – it’s not even 3pm yet but it was the smalls last day at school and they finished early so.. I’m trying. 

I’m trying.

I’m in bed before 3pm with all my babies and we’re watching Moana. I would love to see Mr Fantastic today but he’s busy and has his son this evening so probably won’t. I miss him but don’t want to be too needy or clingy or get in the way. He’s far too nice to say no if I ask. So I won’t, I’ll just wait and see if he says anything. I hope he’s okay. I worry about him.



I’m struggling today. Yesterday was such a good day it makes me wonder if it’s a come down from all the excitement but I suspect it’s just this illness rearing its ugly head to remind me I’m not completely over it. I don’t think I ever will be. How can I get over something that’s been with me longer than I’ve been an adult? It’s been with me as long as I remember. Do kids get depressed? Because I was definitely a depressed kid. Although other factors definitely came into play – too many to mention or even want to drag up here – my first suicide plan was at 13. That’s not even a proper teenager, it’s a baby. 

Struggling today. Woke with a weight on my chest and it’s not gone at all. I can barely function. I’ve done my jobs and driven about and made phone calls and forced myself to do all the stuff I should be doing but it’s so hard. My feet are dragging and my mouth has no smiles and my heart is heavy. I slept the morning away and if I could get away with it I’d sleep the day away too. I’m sad. I’m heavy, my everything is weighed down.

Struggling. I got nothing today. I’ve got nothing to give, I am nothing, I feel so done. I wish I could sleep and have cuddles and just be looked after and not alone or expected all this stuff off – I love my babies but sometimes I need a break. Today I need a break. It’s a broken bodied, broken headed, broken day. 

Best weekend I ever had

It wiped the floor with the Eden festival in Dumfries and that’s saying something since that was previously my best weekend ever. And I didn’t even get stoned!

Mr Fantastic and I did some adulting (boring), had a Tesco moment (not boring at all), went to Macdonalds, partook in ALL the cuddles and naps and bedtimes and snuggles and loves and  baths together. There was even a poo chat and some farting and burping in there. And the laughing… so much laughing and fun.

It is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. How can you be so comfortable with someone after just under 3 weeks? That you can forget yourself so much that you’re dancing in the bath? Or farting in bed? Or you can actual show someone your mouthful while you’re eating? (Okay that was me) Or talking while someone’s having a poo! (Not me)

I’ve never felt like this before. It’s an entirely new concept. Complete devotion but with this whole other side of no pretence, no fakery. No makeup, no clothes, no cares. It’s like totally unconditional. It seems that way anyway – im pretty sure that he feels the same, I mean he doesn’t mind when my hairs crazy (all the time) or that I’m not wearing makeup or I’ve got panda eyes or spiky legs or whatever. (I am a general mess. I admit it)

My eyes leaked some when it was time to say goodbye and HE DIDNT MIND. I got so upset and I saw it reflected right back at me and then we giggled and it was so much better. It’s like being accepted. Literally accepted and accepting and loved and loving. He’s shifted the earth under my feet and I love him so so much for it.

I miss him like I miss the sun or the snow or the world when it’s dark but it’s like I know it’s still there so it’s less missing and more being apart but still whole. It’s strange but so weirdly right. It feels proper to miss him. I don’t feel sorry for myself because I miss him, I just miss him. Just because. I’d miss him if he was in another room in the same house. Or on the other side of the city. Out there somewhere but not here. Even here but not touching me. He’s my sun and moon and stars and space and air. He’s my universe. I love him.

I do worry about him though. There’s a frown that appears sometimes. (When he doesn’t think I can see it?) And every so often he goes a bit quiet and sometimes I can see things ticking away but I’ll wait. He’ll tell me if he needs to. I think he’s probably not as open as me with that stuff. I just blah it out and it vomits itself out of my mouth and I talk for an hour or more and can’t seem to shut up until the waffling stops… he’s not like that. But I’d like to know. Because I want to know everything. And if I could help him I’d be happy. If I could help him lift some of that frown I’d be happy. I’d love him and he’d be happy too. That’s all I want. For him to be happy and for us to be happy together and to be able to love each other for always. Regardless of the world. Regardless of everyone else. Just us, being imperfectly, unapologetically, irregardlessly, us. Forever. And with extra apple fritters.


Saturday morning

You know that feeling. When you sleep together for the first time and you’re terrified they’ll realise you snore and fart and do all the stuff you can hide while you’re awake? Yeah that.

Done that. Totally did that last night. It’s like 6am and I woke about 5 and I’ve watched him sleep, I’ve disturbed him because I had to use the bathroom and he’s just gone straight back to sleep. He makes these cute little noises, like sighs of contentment except sleepy. And he doesn’t move. He’s not a fidget at all like me. He just lays still. He’s so handsome. Even with his face relaxed and in sleep mode, even when he had some dribble. Even then. Utterly gorgeous. 

It’s a wonderful feeling waking up in someone’s arms. I’d forgotten how that felt. Feeling safe as you go to sleep? Amazing. That’s a new one on me. Im relaxed and happy and chilled and I don’t have to wake up or sleep or do anything except watch him sleep if I want to – and it’s so new and lovely and just perfect. I’m going to try and sleep again in a minute, just because I can. I don’t think I will, but I can if I want. 

It’s been a wonderful 11 hours so far. 

Wake ups

Awake again. Fine when I got up, panicking now. Body tense, heart racing, brain locked onto Facebook to avoid whatever’s coming next. Cuddled up to my little doggo and my babies. Shaking. Feeling weird.

Don’t want to think the worst about anything, don’t want to go down that road so desperately trying to keep my head busy but it’s hurting. My ears feel like they’re wide open to all the sounds and it’s giving me a headache. There are no sounds aside from sleeping children and so they’re straining to hear and it’s tiring and feels sore. 

My head feels like someone has a hammer and is just pinging it off the glass wall at the back there, every so often there’s an especially loud bang and it feels like it’ll shatter but it doesn’t. Maybe if it did the pain would subside. My head feels open. It’s a cold feeling. Like ice. Like wide open to the world. It’s cold and painful and I wish I wasn’t alone right now. 

If I was with Mr Fantastic I could snuggle into him and he’d help me feel better and warmer and I wouldn’t have to worry about my heart beating so hard it’s going to jump out my chest or my head being open and the insides leaking out or my ears bleeding or my body seizing up so I can’t move. 

I might get up and do some cleaning and then I’d have something to show for the restless night. But I want to get comfortable and I want to be able to sleep and how can I do that if I’m up. Ah I don’t know. 

I wish I could sleep and be peaceful and just be happy and chilled and rest. This is my first really bad night in 2 weeks. I guess it was bound to happen at some point. 

My eyes are tired and my heart is slowing down. Feels like I’ve run a marathon. I’m dog tired. My whole body is worn out. I’m going to try and sleep. Hopefully it’ll come. It’s 4am and I’m tied of being tired. I have a cold feeling all in my face and when I breathe in so maybe I can dream of some warmth. 

Mr Fantastic would be just that right now. Just that. 


It’s been a long day. Not a bad one, just a long one. I’m tired today. Tomorrow I’m going to nap. I need it. I get to see my love in the evening and so I need to prep today by bleaching my hair and doing my eyebrows and stuff. But once that’s done, I can dye my hair and it’ll be gorgeous tomorrow when I see him. And I want to be gorgeous for him. Because I have missed him and I love him and I’m thoroughly thoroughly thoroughly missing his cuddles and his kisses and looking into those eyes and seeing that smile and feeling him pressed close to me. I’ve missed falling every time he smiles or sighs or makes those noises that are mine. I’ve missed the feeling that the universe stops existing except for us when we kiss. I’ve missed the feeling of being whole when his skin touches mine. I’ve missed feeling safe and calm and together in a way that I’ve never trusted something so much before. I have missed him more than I thought I would and that’s a lot because I knew I would miss him hugely. Ginormously. I’ve missed him like you miss the sunshine after 6 months of a dark winter. Or the way you miss the smell of bacon when you’ve been on a porridge diet forever. I’ve missed him the way a lonely person misses being held. And I’m going to jump right in when I see him. Those kisses are mine and I’m claiming dibs right now. 

I’m going to kiss his face off and fall asleep next to him and it’s going to be just perfect. ❤️


Wednesday oh Wednesday. 

It’s not been a horrendous day. It’s not been an amazing day. Just a sort of middling one. Ups and downs you know.

Yesterday was an utterly amazing day. I was looking forward to it ALL WEEKEND. I dropped the kids off at school and then picked up Mr Fantastic. We had a macdonalds breakfast together then came home to pick up my Spencer. We went to Green Monkey Ink tattoo studio and I got my bumble bee for Manchester behind my ear. Then Spencer got his Manchester bee. Then Mr Fantastic got one too! And we only had to pay for two. So Me Fantastic and I went halves and decided to give Spencer the free one. 

I had an appointment at the psychologist at CAMHS to discuss Jack and take in some paperwork so I left my boys to get their tattoos while I went – got there and was asked if she could rearrange with me. So that was fine because I saved an hour but I also lost 20 minutes driving there and back. Never mind I got back to my boys and they were so good. I got to watch Spencer start his before I left and see Mr Fantastic finish his tattoo and they were both so brave! I was incredibly proud. I love these guys of mine so much. 

Mr Fantastic is living up to his name in every way. 

So once we got home it was time to get Abey so we got him then went shopping and it was lovely just doing normal stuff with Mr Fantastic. And being seen out with him and loving him in public and just being around him. I love him so much. Once the kids got home he met the middle three that he hasn’t met before and he was incredibly good with them. Jack fell in love and got his duvet and cuddled right up to him. Toria was as mad as ever but sweet with it. Maya was a bit frowny after the initial ‘hellos’ but she always is when it comes to new people. All in, it was a successful first meeting. We had cake too, which always helps. 

So I took Mr F home and we got a few hours to ourselves together. Because he was going away today you see, and we won’t see each other until Friday and it’s the longest we’ve been without seeing each other since we met. Today (Wednesday) is 2 weeks to the day that we met. 16 days since we started talking. Our fortnightiversary. Daft but true, haha. 

So that’s Tuesday caught up on. On to today. 

Today I have been stabbed with several large needles. I have a (new) madonna piercing above my lip, and two pierced nipples. They hurt. All of them hurt but the nipples in particular. I don’t know why they hurt so much but they did. They still do and it’s been 7 and a half hours. But they do look pretty. 

I had a little nap this morning. Tried to get another this arvo and the children just kept climbing on me and fighting each other so gave up on that. Mr Fantastic is away with his mum in Llandudno and they sound like they’re having a great time. It’s lovely to get happy updates and imagine his smiling face. I love his face. Hopefully he’ll selfie me again ❤️

The kids haven’t been too bad but jack and maya have been winding each other up so it’s not ideal. They’re pretty chilled for half 7 at night though so long may it continue. I hope they sleep well tonight. Pretty sure I will. 

Sunny Sunday

My house is pretty chilled right now. For a Sunday afternoon, it’s not bad at all. I went out for a bit, to see Mr Fantastic and as ever he lives up to his name. 

I met his son, and half the neighbourhood kids! But Mini Fantastic was the one I fell instantly in love with. He’s absolutely amazing. A quirky, clever, amazingly intelligent little guy. Polite and with the cutest northern accent. The biggest, more sincere blue eyes in the world. Honestly, he’s frankly beautiful and I was so instantly in love with them both and their relationship – it’s easy to see the trust and love between them from outside and it blew me away. Literally blew me away. Utterly fantastic, both of them. What a great afternoon. 

Got home to a not as mad as I feared house, not too messy, not too stressed. The kids are all doing their own things and I was somewhat bombarded with small people and hugs and noise when I walked in but it’s eased now I’ve been home for an hour and I’m just kind of revelling in being home and with my babies in the sunshine after a few hours of being more loved up than a loved up person on the most loved up day of their existence ever. 

I’m tired now though. Must be coming down from such a high that does it. I could sleep for a good few hours but I won’t. I need to sort uniforms and baths and stuff out for the smalls – once that’s done then we’re going to be rebels and do living room camping on a school night. How exciting! 

My heart is full. My body is tired. I’m smiling though. And I suspect I have the small slightly permanent, smug smile of a person in love ❤️


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