I been thinking today. My brain has been forcing stuff on me and kept me low today and it’s been a real struggle. I told my bump girls how its got. They understand me by now. We’ve been friends over 4 years; it’s unbelievable that we were just a group of randoms and this far on we’re firm friends. I appreciate them more than I have words to say. Especially with the little monsters.
Its 5 am, Abraham and Victoria are both up and running about screaming. I’ve not slept yet, as I went to bed (at midnight), Abraham woke up and that’s him for the night.
5:30am. Abe and Toria are both installed in front of the tv, on the couch, under blankets. My head hurts. I don’t know if I can physically stay awake much longer. I’m considering getting up and cleaning. As usual it looks like a bombs gone off in the house so I could probably manage it. Might keep me busy until those two sleep again at least.
This post was going to be an exploration of potential triggers and instead I ended up moaning again. Truth is I don’t always know what triggers a down episode. I can feel the gradual slide into it but it’s so inexorable and unavoidable that it feels like there’s nothing I can do to actually stop it. And that’s weird because shouldn’t there be? I don’t know.
AM thoughts. I hate them. Earlier I told mr Fantastic I didn’t like his wallpaper and I’m paying for it now. He knows I don’t like his ex. Should I not say these things? What if I stop? What if he just thinks I’m a negative nancy all the time and actually he starts to hate it the same as everyone else? Moaning myrtle, whinging Wendy, negative nancy. All names I’ve worn before. But he makes me positive there’s a future and I’m in it and he’s in it and we’re (both) alive and we’re happy because we’re together. I guess I need to get rid of the bad habits my brain has of second guessing and third thoughting and fourth thinking my every single little word or thought or action.
How the hell do I do that?