It was a great weekend. Wonderful company, food, and freedom. What else could anyone ask for?

Maybe no crying when the rum kicked in and I couldn’t see my loves face in the darkness. Maybe no crazy crying because I love him so much and I’m frankly terrified he will get sick of me and leave. Maybe no wells of sadness because I had to leave him, as always. Maybe not actually being the most flatulent person in the room when things were getting very intimate… okay that one was funny but even so. Awkwaaaard. 

But he was so kind. As he always is. He held me and kissed me and talked to me and reassured me. So now I’m worried that he’ll leave because of that. Maybe he’ll leave because I’m crazy and I NEED all that reassurance and I’m clingy and needy and a bit crap. Maybe my crazy will make him run away screaming. Maybe it won’t. We will see. I’ll take him for as long as I can get, preferably until I’m old and dead. And then a bit longer. 

I’m worrying about my rent too. I’ve had a bad couple of months for money and it was late by a few days last month then today is the last day of the month and I could only make half… I’m paying the rest tomorrow and I’ve put off my bills but I don’t know. I’ve a feeling. The landlord text me this morning saying I need to pay because they’ve got mortgage repayments to meet today and although I paid the half and sent them proof I’ve had no reply. Call me paranoid but seriously worrying about it now. I have a dread in my stomach about it. 

I’ll pay this months next week even if it means we struggle because it needs doing. I need to lessen this money worry. Bills need to be paid. 

And a spider crawled over my pillow while I was laying on it and although I picked it up and put it outside now I have the spider fear and will be worrying they’re crawling on me or coming to get me all day long. I do not like the spider fear. 

Today will be a hard day, I can feel it in my bones. But I have no time to dwell or be kind to myself, I need to do cooking with the children and make their holidays happy. Fingers crossed I can. 


(Credit to Ellis @ Massive Phobia for the picture) 

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