I’m struggling today. Yesterday was such a good day it makes me wonder if it’s a come down from all the excitement but I suspect it’s just this illness rearing its ugly head to remind me I’m not completely over it. I don’t think I ever will be. How can I get over something that’s been with me longer than I’ve been an adult? It’s been with me as long as I remember. Do kids get depressed? Because I was definitely a depressed kid. Although other factors definitely came into play – too many to mention or even want to drag up here – my first suicide plan was at 13. That’s not even a proper teenager, it’s a baby. 

Struggling today. Woke with a weight on my chest and it’s not gone at all. I can barely function. I’ve done my jobs and driven about and made phone calls and forced myself to do all the stuff I should be doing but it’s so hard. My feet are dragging and my mouth has no smiles and my heart is heavy. I slept the morning away and if I could get away with it I’d sleep the day away too. I’m sad. I’m heavy, my everything is weighed down.

Struggling. I got nothing today. I’ve got nothing to give, I am nothing, I feel so done. I wish I could sleep and have cuddles and just be looked after and not alone or expected all this stuff off – I love my babies but sometimes I need a break. Today I need a break. It’s a broken bodied, broken headed, broken day.