Awake again. Fine when I got up, panicking now. Body tense, heart racing, brain locked onto Facebook to avoid whatever’s coming next. Cuddled up to my little doggo and my babies. Shaking. Feeling weird.

Don’t want to think the worst about anything, don’t want to go down that road so desperately trying to keep my head busy but it’s hurting. My ears feel like they’re wide open to all the sounds and it’s giving me a headache. There are no sounds aside from sleeping children and so they’re straining to hear and it’s tiring and feels sore. 

My head feels like someone has a hammer and is just pinging it off the glass wall at the back there, every so often there’s an especially loud bang and it feels like it’ll shatter but it doesn’t. Maybe if it did the pain would subside. My head feels open. It’s a cold feeling. Like ice. Like wide open to the world. It’s cold and painful and I wish I wasn’t alone right now. 

If I was with Mr Fantastic I could snuggle into him and he’d help me feel better and warmer and I wouldn’t have to worry about my heart beating so hard it’s going to jump out my chest or my head being open and the insides leaking out or my ears bleeding or my body seizing up so I can’t move. 

I might get up and do some cleaning and then I’d have something to show for the restless night. But I want to get comfortable and I want to be able to sleep and how can I do that if I’m up. Ah I don’t know. 

I wish I could sleep and be peaceful and just be happy and chilled and rest. This is my first really bad night in 2 weeks. I guess it was bound to happen at some point. 

My eyes are tired and my heart is slowing down. Feels like I’ve run a marathon. I’m dog tired. My whole body is worn out. I’m going to try and sleep. Hopefully it’ll come. It’s 4am and I’m tied of being tired. I have a cold feeling all in my face and when I breathe in so maybe I can dream of some warmth. 

Mr Fantastic would be just that right now. Just that.