Well I had a few. Large ones. Vodka. Lovely cherry vodka with cherry Coke. Heavy on the ice, and even a rainbow straw. Lovely lovely lovely.

My mood has been dipping up and down. Took all the kids to the park. Completely unsuccessfully and mind all they did was get on each other’s nerves and attack each other and generally make each other miserable. So much for running off their frustrations. Whoops

My guests and i had dinner and drinks and chilled together. Kids went to bed early but as usual had to wait for me to come in and see them before they would actually sleep. Cue gone 10pm and they’re only just getting there. Still, I shouldn’t complain. At least they’re off now.

I have been up and down with my contact with Mr Fantastic today. He’s been alternately out of touch and there on the bing and I don’t like waiting for him to come back in touch! I know he has stuff to do and god knows I understand but that little selfish part of me wants him all to myself even when I’m unavailable because kids or life or whatever. It’s mad and crazy and not possible and probably more than a bit stalky but – if I don’t admit it to myself here I just about never will so there it is. I adore the man and I want his everything. 

I find myself daydreaming about things I’d honestly accepted never having again. I never wanted anyone to share my life with the kids because – well, my kids. But this.. he makes me want to share them so he can see the brilliance in them despite the hardships. I want him to want me to meet his son because I want to know the small person he devotes his time to. I want it all and it’s literally driving me crazy. I find myself daydreaming at inopportune times and it’s never good getting lost on a route you drive regularly. Or taking a wrong turn when you’ve made the right one a hundred times before. My head is in the clouds but the best thing is – I love it. Because I love him. 

And one thing he does. Is make me want a future. With him or (gods forbid) without him. I need him in my life. He’s my reason not to get out as soon as the kids are okay. He’s my reason to smile at the clouds passing over or marvel at the call of a bird or seeing another sunrise without regret. He is my reason. I love him. Some things you know in your bones. And I know we were meant to be. I know what came before was preparation for this. This journey is one we were supposed to take together, eventually. The two of us and our combined baggage – because when we’re together the baggage is left at the door and it’s just us, a pair of blind beggars feeling our way through the dark and happening on a dragons hoard, genie lamp and all. It feels like winning the lottery when you don’t do it. Like finding out you’re worth loving after all. Like saving someone without realising until after. It’s the most wonderful feeling. And I look at him and I see it there, reflected right back at me. The universe has smiled and for the second time in my life I am at peace enough with that to enjoy it. This is love. This is it. People wait their whole lives for this. Anything else has been a poor imitation of this – I never realised. Until now. It’s not about how long it takes until you realise you love someone. It’s about how long you have left together after you meet them. Maybe that’s what’s important. All of my time is his now and I want him to know – it’s as deep as the ocean and wide as the sky. 

My forever turned up and I can see it stretching away in front of us.

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