Listening to The White Album. It’s making me smile. 

My smile has been missing the past couple hours. It feels like longer.

I just feel ill and lonely and I miss him and he’s not been online since like 3pm and it’s nearly 9 now and I know that’s not long and he’s spending time with his son (which I LOVE) and that actually what I’m saying just sounds a bit stalky and crazy. I should read a book or eat some food or paint or do something. Being poorly I don’t feel like doing anything but it’s not helping me because I just feel quite sorry for myself really. It’s been a stressful few days what with school and one thing and another and my tears are so close. 

My head feels like it’s being blown up like a balloon. My throats hurts to swallow or talk. It’s all swollen up and sore. My body is just dead tired. It aches all over. I could do with some hugs. I feel like a zombie but one with a predisposition towards crying instead of eating brains. A sorry zombie. An apologetic zombie. Poor me, huh?

I don’t know why I’m here, I’m just complaining. It’s stark difference to before but I’m no less happy or loved up, I guess I’m just more lonely and feeling sorry for myself. I’ll pick it up no doubt. Maybe for now I should just cuddle my babies and my little doggy and thank my lucky stars I ever went on a first date. And tomorrow I’ll wake up and it’ll be all okay and he’ll still love me and the universe will keep smiling for me and I’ll still feel like part of it all.

That’s The White Album done. Now “you’re welcome” from Moana is on repeat thanks to Abraham. All the 5 children sharing my living room with me are currently singing along and drawing pictures. Abey gave me big cuddles and said “thanks mum” and he sings along which is the cutest thing in the world. Some smiles just never disappear. Even if they’re sad.