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sixymama

Mental, mardy, but a little bit marvellous..

Month

July 2017

Today is a tired day

I can’t seem to shake it. I’m so tired. I went shopping this morning and I’ve done all my chores and the big lads have done the garden and the smalls and I made marshmallow krispie cake and rocky road cake and mini rocky road cakes. We melted chocolate and made a mess and cleaned it up again. I bought stuff to make pancakes with but I haven’t made the batter yet although I may do in advance of making the actual pancakes. Everyone loves pancakes in my house. And that makes me smile, and hugely… but I’m tired.

I’m so tired. I slept pretty well and I had a great weekend but I’m headachey and body achey and feeling sore. I’ve spent the last hour laying on the couch cos am cold but I’m not warming up and now I’m thinking I might be off to Mr Fantastics this evening instead of being at home so I’m going to go make pancakes for the children now instead so they actually get some else I just won’t bother. So that’s me. Tired, but still going, still worrying, and still trying. 

Always trying to beat something. 


 

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Now I got worry

It was a great weekend. Wonderful company, food, and freedom. What else could anyone ask for?

Maybe no crying when the rum kicked in and I couldn’t see my loves face in the darkness. Maybe no crazy crying because I love him so much and I’m frankly terrified he will get sick of me and leave. Maybe no wells of sadness because I had to leave him, as always. Maybe not actually being the most flatulent person in the room when things were getting very intimate… okay that one was funny but even so. Awkwaaaard. 

But he was so kind. As he always is. He held me and kissed me and talked to me and reassured me. So now I’m worried that he’ll leave because of that. Maybe he’ll leave because I’m crazy and I NEED all that reassurance and I’m clingy and needy and a bit crap. Maybe my crazy will make him run away screaming. Maybe it won’t. We will see. I’ll take him for as long as I can get, preferably until I’m old and dead. And then a bit longer. 

I’m worrying about my rent too. I’ve had a bad couple of months for money and it was late by a few days last month then today is the last day of the month and I could only make half… I’m paying the rest tomorrow and I’ve put off my bills but I don’t know. I’ve a feeling. The landlord text me this morning saying I need to pay because they’ve got mortgage repayments to meet today and although I paid the half and sent them proof I’ve had no reply. Call me paranoid but seriously worrying about it now. I have a dread in my stomach about it. 

I’ll pay this months next week even if it means we struggle because it needs doing. I need to lessen this money worry. Bills need to be paid. 

And a spider crawled over my pillow while I was laying on it and although I picked it up and put it outside now I have the spider fear and will be worrying they’re crawling on me or coming to get me all day long. I do not like the spider fear. 

Today will be a hard day, I can feel it in my bones. But I have no time to dwell or be kind to myself, I need to do cooking with the children and make their holidays happy. Fingers crossed I can. 


(Credit to Ellis @ Massive Phobia for the picture) 

Thursday 

Yesterday got so much better. I was so happy by the end of the night I thought I would burst. My head was literally shining on the inside, everywhere I looked bright lights and a halo of happy.

Mr Fantastic got his new job. Clever boy! I knew he would, how could anyone meet him and NOT be blown away? He’s the most likeable, friendly, charming, lovable, gorgeous man. I’m floored daily by the fact he has an EX WIFE and that she let him go. I’m glad she did mind, but what a silly, silly woman. She should have kept him and treated him like a king. He deserves no less. So. I’m loved up. And I’m happy. Like really happy. Like so happy I’m driving home smiling. My face hurts because I’ve spent all my time with him smiling. That’s what he does to me. He makes everything better, brighter, just.. more. He makes it all more. 

This morning.. maybe less happy. I woke up in a great mood, thanks to a rather lovely dream I was having (thanks Mr Fantastic for that one). And then… my cup of tea was too cold. I put too much milk in it. No biggie but not quite right. I started my jobs early. Tidy house. And then… Kids and tantrums and complications for the weekend. Real life brought me back with a bump. Jack has told me he hated me within 5 minutes of getting up, thrown the Hoover and several other things. Maya has the huff because she stole the laptop first thing and had been taken off it – again. Victoria had the huff because she has to wait to watch a film she wants to watch. And the big boys are sleeping. Abraham is fine so long as he can potter about.. so far. 

The weekend. Superdad is supposed to be taking the kids from Friday to Sunday like he usually does. But all week he’s been off about it. Not giving me any definite dates or times. Just saying no he probably can’t. It makes me think he just doesn’t want them. In fact I know he doesn’t want them he just doesn’t want to say so. It’s bugging me. I like to plan. I like to know what’s going on. And I can’t, because it’s Friday and I still don’t know how long the children are going for. I can’t even pack their things. It’s beyond ridiculous and is winding me up and up and up… as I suspect it’s supposed to. Because let’s be honest here, he knows exactly how I’ll react to everything and he knows precisely what to do to achieve maximum effect for minimum effort- and he’ll make the minimum effort for each and everything going. 

I hope today gets better. Of course it will but… faith. I need to have faith. 

Uh oh 

My head hurts. My tummy has been off since yesterday evening. A few of the smalls are slightly off colour too so I really want it to be that and not a physical manifestation of my head state. I just don’t feel well. And I don’t feel strong enough to fight myself either. Today I will exist until I see Mr Fantastic and then, then… I might get to feel better. I hope I do. I don’t want to sink. 

Unhappy zombie

Why can’t my brain be happy for me and leave me alone? Can’t it go eat itself and leave me alone?

The paranoia has started. It’s racking itself up to ten. It’s been low level all week, how I might be getting in the way of any alone time or perhaps he might just want to chill after work or maybe he’s fed up with the noise of the children, that sort of thing. I got presents for our 4 weeks of knowing each other, not sure he liked them, or I liked them or even if they were good presents. What if he hated them? I try to be thoughtful but what if it’s just weird and a bit rubbish? Paranoia is hovering, low level, around a 2-3. 

The children and I made a mess at Mr Fantastics house. Not purposely, mud from the garden on the carpet. Paranoia up to 4.

Then I found two live lice in my sons hair. So totally paranoid and up a few more.

Then when we were talking on whatsapp this evening things got a bit steamy then he was typing and… nothing came up. My brain says my text hasn’t been read so it couldn’t have been left open? He said he was drifting off but then it happened again.. I replied, he typey type typed.. nothing. Then a reply comes through and my message is read all at the same time and it’s literally the same second. So it totally makes sense doesn’t it and his phones ever so old and quite slow and… I know. But paranoia is all the way up to 10 now and running for the hills screaming and I’m too tired to deal with it. I tried not to be funny with him but I don’t know if I managed it. I’m not feeling well.

Why does my brain hate me? Why can’t it just let me be happy and secure and content in this lovely little bubble he and I have fallen into, this deliciously cosy, two person wonderland that makes all the things brighter than they are usually, that makes the world seem to want me in it, that makes me want to be a part of the world and of life and of normality and relationships and friendships and to get my shit together and plan and make plans with others and feel like it’s proper to do so because THERE WILL BE A TOMORROW and I will be in it? Why does it have to question everything? Why can it not just accept that someone might love me? And not have an agenda or an alternate reality to mine? That someone could love me and want me and actually be the person they seem to be and say they are? Why does it not accept that? What’s so wrong with me? 

I’m a sad face and my heart is cold. It aches to be in his arms and safe and loved and secure. And I’m on my own again. If you’re reading this, Mr Fantastic, then I’m sorry. This IS crazy. And I love you 💜

Tuesday 

It feels like an age since I was here and it’s only been a few days (not even that) really. I have the guilts and feel like maybe I’ve been neglecting you guys here. 

Tia the foster dog left on Monday. That was so hard. I miss her. My cats all came and slept in the house that night for the first time since she got here.

Superdad is showing his true colours again, what a surprise.

Hmm. My head is so full I don’t know where to start even. My heart wants to burst. I’d like to shout from the rooftops but acrophobia and social anxiety.. funny huh.  

When I got into bed this evening (after being gone through the evening) jack cuddled right into me, like he had had an horrendous evening and he missed me even in his sleep. Beat that for feeling like a great mama – even in his sleep he wants me to make him feel safe. Big grin all round for that one.

The others were fast asleep. I’ve spent more time out the house and away from them and it’s showing in the rest of the time. 

Mr Fantastic described anxiety for him as having a head  full of bees. For me it’s a chest full. That resonated with me, that someone understands so completely how you feel. 

It’s been 4 weeks today since we met and it’s changed my life. It’s a month on Friday. I can’t quite believe it but I will. Oh I will. 

My house is much cleaner. I’ve moved stuff around and pulled up a carpet and generally made more effort and it shows. I hope this carries on. 

My head is clearer and the fog feels like even if it’s not gone completely that right now it’s a little way off so I can breathe and think and attempt normal things. 

I can breathe. 

Grrr

Fuming at the moment. Asked Superdad to have the two littlest boys for two weeks in the holidays. He said he doesn’t think so. So I asked for a week. He says he’ll let me know but he doesn’t think so because (and I quote) “reasons”. 

So I say I will pay for food and electric and it’s only 2 small people so what’s the problem and all of a sudden I’m pushing and I’ll make him say no if I keep pushing.. I’m so tired of this.

Every time I try to arrange something or make plans he just stands in the way, so I have to cancel or change or just plain not do anything. It’s ridiculous. It winds me right up. 

I try and give him the benefit of the doubt but let’s be honest. It’s too much like hard work for him to look after anyone but himself. Apologies for the angry rant. 

Saved and surrounded 

My bad day on Wednesday turned into a good day. Mr Fantastic said I could go see him and I wouldn’t be in the way and I pretty much jumped at the chance. So that was a good night after an awful day.

Yesterday was a good day. In the grand scheme of things it was a ridiculously good day. Shopping and cooking and cleaning and busyness and then Mr Fantastic once he finished work. The children were so happy to see him, they absolutely adore the bones of him. So that was lovely, and we left about 8.30 to take him home so we got some hours of alone time and oh! It was so perfect. I’m so in love. He’s so marvellous. Everything I ever wanted in the most gorgeous handsome man I ever laid eyes on. He literally melts me. 
And today…. isn’t. It isn’t anything. It’s not good or bad, it just is. It exists and I guess that’s all I can say about it. The bed is in the living room for camping already – it’s not even 3pm yet but it was the smalls last day at school and they finished early so.. I’m trying. 

I’m trying.


I’m in bed before 3pm with all my babies and we’re watching Moana. I would love to see Mr Fantastic today but he’s busy and has his son this evening so probably won’t. I miss him but don’t want to be too needy or clingy or get in the way. He’s far too nice to say no if I ask. So I won’t, I’ll just wait and see if he says anything. I hope he’s okay. I worry about him.

❤️

Struggling 

I’m struggling today. Yesterday was such a good day it makes me wonder if it’s a come down from all the excitement but I suspect it’s just this illness rearing its ugly head to remind me I’m not completely over it. I don’t think I ever will be. How can I get over something that’s been with me longer than I’ve been an adult? It’s been with me as long as I remember. Do kids get depressed? Because I was definitely a depressed kid. Although other factors definitely came into play – too many to mention or even want to drag up here – my first suicide plan was at 13. That’s not even a proper teenager, it’s a baby. 

Struggling today. Woke with a weight on my chest and it’s not gone at all. I can barely function. I’ve done my jobs and driven about and made phone calls and forced myself to do all the stuff I should be doing but it’s so hard. My feet are dragging and my mouth has no smiles and my heart is heavy. I slept the morning away and if I could get away with it I’d sleep the day away too. I’m sad. I’m heavy, my everything is weighed down.

Struggling. I got nothing today. I’ve got nothing to give, I am nothing, I feel so done. I wish I could sleep and have cuddles and just be looked after and not alone or expected all this stuff off – I love my babies but sometimes I need a break. Today I need a break. It’s a broken bodied, broken headed, broken day. 

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