It’s all gone to shit. I don’t know why or what I’ve done. Yesterday was horrendous, today has been worse. Soon as the kids get home BOOM! It just kicks off and I’m in no place to deal with it. 

The sadness has overtaken me today. I’ve been down and empty, melancholy, morose… putting a face on it as usual but I expect some of the children have noticed a little bit. The older ones certainly seem to have noticed. It’s been like this for days, I keep trying and slowly it builds up. Clearly I’m off as everyone else is kicking off and I think it feeds into the atmosphere like gas. 

I had to worry about food today for the first time in some time.. I went shopping, took my penny jar and got an extra £11 to spend. £30 total for 7 people for 3 days. It’s just about doable if I’m clever. I got back to bedlam. Everyone kicking off so I thought the easiest thing to do would be to send them to their rooms or to bed and everyone could cool off and take some time to chill out and it would get better.. calmer. Easier.

Not so. They kicked off all the more, the 11 year old turned into an utter psycho and it’s taken 3 hours to calm down. I had to call superdad in the end. He spoke to her and she went upstairs of her own volition and sat on her bed. Muttering, but quiet. So that’s something at least. After shes attacked me and her brother and had to be carried up there 3 times. And shut in. And escaped and had to go back… eventually she did as her dad asked. So. It’s quiet for now. I’ll go get her once the others are asleep. 

The 15 year old lost his shit and he’s a big lad so it’s a lot of shit to lose. He’s calm now. It’s much better. We’ve had hugs. 

Everyone will be having cereal or noodles for dinner and that will be it for my day. It’s been utterly utterly awful. 

Sadness and ladies week and loneliness and a brain that doesn’t work and my stupid stupid head. It doesn’t make for a fun day. The last few days have been bad but I’ve been trying to hard to be kind to myself and not put too much pressure on me or anyone else. It’s not worked at all. It’s been crap and I think it will only get worse.

I’m watching Doctor Who and sat under a blanket. I need hugs and someone to hold me and tell me it will all be okay. 

I wish… I wish… I wish.