I got to the bottom of it. He was honest with me at last. I will explain all in a minute. First, to catch up:

Jacks appointment with CAMHS resulted in them putting him forward for ADOS. That’s the big test for Autism. His brother had one and got a diagnosis right off the bat. His sister never had one and got diagnosis regardless. Either way it’s a positive step and a big move forwards.

They had a weekend with their dad last week. It went pretty well. We are talking again. It’s like nothing happened which is pretty standard. Confusing but oh well. I guess when you’ve been in someone’s life for so long it’s hard to keep a grudge going. I don’t know; I don’t really mind. So long as things are peaceful and he wants to be my friend I’ll be here. Aren’t I always.

My meds have been upped to maximum dose. I can’t remember if I told you that. I’m back in the doctors in 3 weeks and will see how it goes. It’s all we can do I guess. 

My 3 and 8 year olds have had the chicken pox this week. It has been in turns cute and cuddly and hellish and horrendous. I’ll take either one; the cute and cuddly tends to follow the other!

And so… on to him. 

We started talking again. Of course we did. And I finally just blurted it all out. The whole deal, how I felt, how weird he’s been to be around. The lot. No holds barred. And I said if he can’t answer me honestly (will we ever be in a relationship) then just forget it. It’s fine, whatever, etc. 48 hours went by in silence. I blocked him on Facebook. I deleted his number and his texts. I was done.

Then he messaged me. 

He didn’t know what to say to me. He hopes I’m well and I’ll be happy; I deserve to be. However the kids put him off. He doesn’t enjoy being around kids and he doesn’t want to get used to having to be around them. 

Well. Of course that was it, and no mistake. My inner dragon reacted and she was not happy. Needless to say I’ll not be contacting him again. I’m still angry now. I don’t think he was intentionally trying to make me angry, but it certainly did. The most placid person in the world has an angry streak a mile wide and curse all who call out these kids. No sir, I will not take it. I won’t stand for it not at all. Fuck him. So it’s over. And he can jog on. I’m not happy. But I’m angry and that’s better than being sad and mourning the loss of something that only existed in my heart. (I’m in blue, as always)

So that’s it. Tonight I’m getting drunk because it’s a happy Saturday and I’m going to watch Harry Potter and eat Chinese food until I sleep the sleep of the drunk. Hopefully tomorrow I will wake feeling like doing some painting! Happy weekend to you.