I miss him. I miss his texts. I miss wondering (not that it ever got me anywhere). I miss his hands and his warmth, the smell of his neck. That depth in his eyes when he kisses me. The feel of his beard on my bare skin, his teeth on my shoulder. His breathing, his arms, his heartbeat. That feeling of being perfectly safe in his arms. He will never read this, but if he does? 

I miss you. I wouldn’t likely have seen you since the last time I saw you if we were still together but knowing I’ll never see you again HURTS. You’re a big part in my heart and I will miss you and I don’t know how to be what you want. I want to tell you that I care for you – and I’m sorry your ex wife hurt you so much that you don’t feel like you can love anyone else again. It’s scary but it would be so worth it. I would surrender the moon and the stars if you’d let me in. I’d give you my heart and that’s worth more than anything else I could give you. I’d love you so much the sun would shine on us and the stars in the sky would twinkle just for us. I’d love you so hard that you’d wake each day knowing you were loved and wanted and needed and your black cloud would lift like a breeze in the summer sun. You’d never be lonely again. I’d kiss you and drown and you’d drown too. We could plumb the depths drowning together but we’d have our hands to hold on to, and never let go. I’d look after you. I’d give you myself, my soul, my heart, my love. There’s so much I could show you if you’d let me. There’s magic. I miss you.

Of course he will never read it. And of course I won’t hear from him again. I know this. 

It does feel a little better for writing it down. So as always, thanks for reading and being with me. My heart is broken but I appreciate your company. Thanks guys.