He came round last night. Our first time of more than a couple of hours together in weeks. And boy am I feeling it today.
He kept calling me “misery guts” because I wasn’t always smiling. I guess that’s because I’m usually very smiley. I’ve had a lot on my mind (none of which he knows about) and I’m trying really hard but it kind of comes out I suppose. Even when you’re trying to hide it.
My eyes leaked. He never noticed and I hid it well but they leaked several times.
We listened to music, we had cuddles, and snuggles and it was lovely. Listening to his heartbeat makes me happy. Knowing he has to leave me less so.
He said I keep giving him these long, pondering looks lately.
Sometimes when he kisses me I catch a glimpse and I think that this must be what it is to know that someone loves you. Then he blinks and it’s gone. Sometimes I feel like I’m open and I’m there and I love and I just want to show him and I can’t say so. Sometimes I just want to tell him. Sometimes I just want to say the words and get it out there. But I’m scared of the rejection. I’m scared that he’ll just leave and not come back. I’m scared.
I did tell him I didn’t want him to leave. And he has this thing about staying out so he took full blame for it saying he wouldn’t sleep. Which is true but still. My eyes leaked again. I’m sad thinking about it today. All I want is for him to love me. And I don’t think he ever will.
When he left, the new cat came to see me. I don’t know if I’ve introduced you to Jeremy the girl cat yet but she’s started coming to see us and is Sids girlfriend so we’ve made her welcome and given her a name. She snuggled right up close and purred lots. Almost as if she knew. And she stayed there until I fell asleep. I was so lonely I felt like my heart was breaking. I still do. I miss him. But she helped. Thanks Jeremy. I owe you one.