I’m so lonely. I wish there was someone that got it. That gets it. That wants to talk to me and giggle together. I’ve got no one. I’m lonelier than ever. I don’t know how to fix this.
Thinking stuff. Stuff. Like kid stuff and family stuff and *him* stuff and me stuff and worrying stuff and weather stuff and money stuff. Cat stuff. All the stuff.
I’m going to try and sort it here. Bear with my muddling.
Him. We are friends again. He apologised, I sent his birthday presents. It’s nice to know we are friends at least.
Kids. I’m so close to the end of my rope. Jack is a nightmare. He doesn’t sleep. He’s an utter arsehole. If he doesn’t get his own way he shouts and screams and tries to bully and beat up everyone. He has taught the 3 year old to say “fuck off” and “bitch”. So now I get that shouted at me from all quarters. It’s just awful. It’s an unfortunate effect of whatever it is that’s up with him. It’s a direct defiance of any authority, and a reward/punishment system just doesn’t work. I get no help and I’m kind of just feeling about in the dark. For anyone that says “smack him” or “take his stuff” it DOESNT WORK. Not only is smacking children horrible it just doesn’t work. All of my kids would spit in your eye and laugh in your face if you smacked them and then they’d do it right back. One thing they will not be is cowed. A hormonal 11 year old makes for some huffy moments pretty much every day. The joys.
Family stuff. My sister and I are in close contact and my brother and I too. We’re all pretty close because of mum – It feels weird but in a good way.
Worrying stuff. Money, mostly. The big pile of paperwork I’ve been putting off for months. How to make this months rent. (Clue: I’m not going to be able to). Kids (of course). Cats and dogs. Stuff I can’t control.
Weather stuff. It’s too hot!
Other stuff. Fostered a dog. Her name is Tia. Mini version of my old mate Cabbage. She’s lovely and beautiful. I want to keep her however I’m not sure she will fit. She keeps going for the 3 year old. Every time he comes near me. It’s a shame because she calms something in my soul. I’m allowed to keep her if I want – but should I?
I’m so tired of everything just now. I need a break from life.
Aren’t that bad really are they. Aside from the grumpy children and the early mornings catching up with everyone.
Today has been a good day by the general scale of things.
Had the day with my 11 year old. She got a mental health day today. Sometimes we all need those. We went shopping first thing, came home, spent some time together, had naps then the gardener came round. He’s still working now, for the equivalent of about £25 an hour. But it’s worth it, both my gardens are massive and there’s hedges all the way round. It was like a jungle. He’ll be done soon and we’ll have a lovely garden.
The 8 year old has been back from school an hour and has needed to be restrained already. He’s in my bed now though, hopefully I can keep him calm. I heard a better term than special needs lately which I appreciate much better – it’s “additional needs” and I think it works much better especially in regards to Jack. His needs aren’t special, they’re just him. Additional to others. I like it.
Onwards and forwards. I’ll update later once they’re in bed. For now… it’s going okay.
The evening was good. Having a less structured evening is working for us at the minute. So long as I don’t put too many restrictions in place and remain fluid with expectations we’re doing okay. We don’t have “bedtimes” as such but I try to get us all into bed by about half 9, 10. The kids lounge about until they fall asleep of their own accord which is nice. Then I go off (if I can). I took sleeping pills because I needed the rest that comes with. It was a content night, happy kids makes for a content mama.
It’s worn off. Whatever I’ve been using to get me through this week/weekend/forever has slowly died away today.
I had a good night sleeping and curling around my babies. It was a bit like swap the bed with the three of them at one point but they and I slept pretty well. The usual 3 hour blocks but nothing wrong with that if it works.
Got up first thing, set up Abey with my phone and Netflix at 6am and he went back to sleep. I got up at 8.30 and cleaned up while everyone slept. Jack got up at 9, got cosy on the couch and went straight back to sleep. No one else got up until 11; it was just Abraham and I. Cleaning and tidying and it was rather nice really.
I caught up with all the laundry, (no mean feat), the bedrooms were swept and tidied and the bathrooms clean. Washing in off the line, shopping for a new airer and some carpet fresheners and we were back for taking my oldests girlfriend home by 2. Did that, took some smalls along for the ride, home, more laundry, more sweeping, more tidying and dinner by 4. Pizza, because Sunday and getting tired now.
All the children have been bathed and hair washed, I’ve sorted all their stuff out for school tomorrow, all I need to do is find one of Jacks shoes. I’ve been looking all day and I can’t find them but I’m hoping there’s a spare pair somewhere for him. I doubt it but needs must. None of the shops are open and I doubt I’ll get a pair before 7.30 in the morning.
I’m sat down for the first time today. And I can feel the black cloud coming. Its started with me trying to apologise to him. I messaged him on Facebook as I deleted his numbers and stuff. Clearly he’s not accepting messages from me. It’s fine, I just said sorry I called him an asshole. I didn’t say that I don’t usually resort to name calling but I was angry, maybe I should have. It’s not me, you know? I don’t do that. I don’t really do angry. Of course he’ll never get the message and that’s okay. It’s fine but I’m not sure I’m happy with someone’s last impression of me being of me calling them names. I’m sure I’ve got it all twisted but that’s how it feels. Not quite right. But I’m sure if he’d wanted to make it up he’d have replied and he left it which maybe was the best thing for all of us. I don’t know. If he ever reads this know this: I’m sorry.
I don’t know if this is a reasonable feeling or if it’s the return of my anxiety or just the general malaise or what. I dont know.
I’m so tired. I’m tired and I feel worn out and if I can’t find this shoe my whole weekend will be black. I’m still here and trying but sometimes. I wish I could just have a really big rest. No worries necessary.
I have opened my door twice today. This is big news. I feel like I’ve just run a race. My heart is pounding but I’m proud of myself.
Usually when the door goes if it’s not a package I get one of the big boys to answer it or I ignore it. I can’t deal with not knowing who is there or having to speak to someone I don’t know. It terrifies me.
Twice. That’s more than in a normal week.
First one was a man from up the road asking for a package that we took in for him about a month ago.
Second one was the doorstep loan man asking if he could talk to me about my payments and previous agents etc. I arranged for him to come back Friday. I will sort it out.
That’s a lot for me to have accomplished by 10:44 on a Wednesday morning. Already I feel like it’s been a hugely long day.
This may not seem a big deal to you. But my anxiety is such that it trips me up in the biggest of ways for the smallest of things. This is huge for me.
I guess it can only carry on. Let’s hope.