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sixymama

Mental, mardy, but a little bit marvellous..

Month

June 2017

Friday fabulousness 

Saw Mr Fantastic again. Bad hair day and all and he didn’t care. Well, he said he didn’t..!

I’m done you know. I’m gone. I can’t take it slow. I fell the minute he got in my car and when he kissed me that just made it even better. 

I don’t want anyone else, ever. That feeling. I’ve never looked into anyone’s eyes without thinking how bloodshot/muddy/tired they are and Mr Fantastic has me staring for hours. Beautiful eyes. Getting lost has never been so much fun. They change colour depending on his mood and I think I’ve sussed out a couple of them. Green and blue and just. Beautiful. They look like the sea on a sunny day. Or when it clouded over and that dark colour then the sun comes it and it brightens everything up. Seriously beautiful. 

He’s got a salt and pepper beard. Black and grey and so sexy. His hair is lighter. Flecks of grey. Seriously sexy. He’s my silver fox. He has some ear piercings which make me want to lick his ear. Some other piercings that I will leave you to guess but Oh My God. He’s gorgeous. And tall. And funny. And attentive. And marvellous. And clever. And kind. And nice. And amazing. And makes me feel happy. Did I mention he’s amazing? There’s no sadness there. Until I have to leave and that’s only because I want to stay forever and never go anywhere else. He kisses me until I’m stupid and the only thing that exists is that face. 

Ill just be over here, dreaming. 


Thursday

Brilliant. Amazing. I’m falling deeply and fast. 2 days messaging, 2 days actually meeting and spending time together, 6 hours total, and I’m gone. I’m blown away. I hope he is too. He says he is. I look into those eyes and I’m just done. Nothing compares. This is it. Nothing has ever compared. If I’d known! If only I’d known.. so much time wasted. 

My friend sent me this. It describes my heart and my emotional state today (since I saw him the first time) perfectly. 💜

Wednesday 28th June

I’m marking it for posterity. Today has been a good – great – day.

  • Jack got on the bus this morning, no tears, no fights, just off he went. 
  • Abey woke up at 6am so was ready for school early and had a good day. 
  • The oldest actually went to college (first time in weeks) and he got about 3 weeks worth of work done in one day. He should finish his course tomorrow. 
  • I had a date with the most gorgeous, kind, funny, lovely man and he made my day. 2 hours in a coffee shop and nothing else existed but those eyes and that smile and he held my hand. It was amazing and felt like we were the only people in the world. Everything else disappeared. It may be early days but I’ve been blown over. Anyway. It was great and we had a little kiss and THAT was amazing too. He’s Mr Fantastic. I’m smitten. Completely gone. Already.
  • Went for a brew with my friend. He gave me some baklava he’s picked up and a new soda cherry drink as he knows I like weird and wonderful stuff. And he lent me a book. It was nice, we had a brew and a hug goodbye and off I went. Friends are fabulous. 
  • Kids managed to meltdown in turns this evening for like 3 hours. It was horrendous but I’m still smiling. My face hurts I’ve been smiling so much.
  • I have another date with Mr Fantastic tomorrow. 

Today has been a good day. 💜

Lonely

I’m so lonely. I wish there was someone that got it. That gets it. That wants to talk to me and giggle together. I’ve got no one. I’m lonelier than ever. I don’t know how to fix this. 

That Friday feeling can go fuck itself

It’s all gone to shit. I don’t know why or what I’ve done. Yesterday was horrendous, today has been worse. Soon as the kids get home BOOM! It just kicks off and I’m in no place to deal with it. 

The sadness has overtaken me today. I’ve been down and empty, melancholy, morose… putting a face on it as usual but I expect some of the children have noticed a little bit. The older ones certainly seem to have noticed. It’s been like this for days, I keep trying and slowly it builds up. Clearly I’m off as everyone else is kicking off and I think it feeds into the atmosphere like gas. 

I had to worry about food today for the first time in some time.. I went shopping, took my penny jar and got an extra £11 to spend. £30 total for 7 people for 3 days. It’s just about doable if I’m clever. I got back to bedlam. Everyone kicking off so I thought the easiest thing to do would be to send them to their rooms or to bed and everyone could cool off and take some time to chill out and it would get better.. calmer. Easier.

Not so. They kicked off all the more, the 11 year old turned into an utter psycho and it’s taken 3 hours to calm down. I had to call superdad in the end. He spoke to her and she went upstairs of her own volition and sat on her bed. Muttering, but quiet. So that’s something at least. After shes attacked me and her brother and had to be carried up there 3 times. And shut in. And escaped and had to go back… eventually she did as her dad asked. So. It’s quiet for now. I’ll go get her once the others are asleep. 

The 15 year old lost his shit and he’s a big lad so it’s a lot of shit to lose. He’s calm now. It’s much better. We’ve had hugs. 

Everyone will be having cereal or noodles for dinner and that will be it for my day. It’s been utterly utterly awful. 

Sadness and ladies week and loneliness and a brain that doesn’t work and my stupid stupid head. It doesn’t make for a fun day. The last few days have been bad but I’ve been trying to hard to be kind to myself and not put too much pressure on me or anyone else. It’s not worked at all. It’s been crap and I think it will only get worse.

I’m watching Doctor Who and sat under a blanket. I need hugs and someone to hold me and tell me it will all be okay. 

I wish… I wish… I wish. 

Sick kid

I’m awake. It’s half past 2am and it’s no surprise, I’m usually awake at this time but it tends to be me on my own. Tonight the little one is awake too and quite upset. He’s sick. So we’re waiting on him being sick again. Poor little man.

 He was sick again. It’s 3am. He didn’t like it so held it in and swallowed it. I guess he’s more like superdad than I thought, he does the exact same thing. Abey is sleeping okay now though, a much better deeper sleep so hopefully that’s him for the night now.

Toria woke up because she had a nightmare. So we had a discussion about how she doesn’t like dinosaurs because they give her nightmares but if she tells them to go away in her dream they will come out into the real world and eat us all up. Also discussed My Little Pony and Noghtmare Moon and Equestrian and Ponyville. And how Toria loves them all and her friends which is very sweet but hey, she’s a sweet girl. Grandmas favourite after all. 

Tia the little foster doggy is curled up in my neck. Jack is sleeping one side of me, Abey the other. Toria is laying half on me wrapped in a blanket. They’re all sleeping peacefully. I’m perfectly surrounded. And it’s lovely. 

Some days

You ever get those days where you wake up and you have to push yourself to even get out of bed? Today was one of those. Started off with a weight on my chest. Got much better, then I slept and it started again. I’ve been so busy but doing what? Nothing quantifiable it seems, a bit of shopping, some tidying and cleaning, walking the dog, looking after a sick child.. stuff that adds up and makes you feel like you’ve not stopped when in reality you’ve stopped and sat four or five times but with so much stuff on your mind that it feels like you NEVER stopped at all. Weird.

I had a productive day financially, all bills have been paid, now it’s just the rent to worry about for the month. The house is somewhat tidy, a half hour here or there will sort out what still needs doing and the daily stuff. My baby is sick and there’s nothing I can do about that except offer hugs and cool drinks. The foster doggy is happy, ish. We shan’t be keeping her because she doesn’t like the threenager – he’s noisy and she’s tiny – but there will be other dogs. It’s been a privelige having her to stay. The 8 year old stayed in school all day, and came home happy so that’s ALWAYS a good thing. 

And I’m… I don’t know. Not depressed. Not sick. Ladies week has turned up today so I guess that explains a few things. I don’t know. I’m feeling strange. Not up, not down, somewhere in between. But with a weight on my chest and a dread in my belly. I dont know why. I’m just… not happy. I’m quietly sad I guess. 

Hmm. Thinking stuff. 

Thinking stuff. Stuff. Like kid stuff and family stuff and me stuff and worrying stuff and weather stuff and money stuff. Cat stuff. All the stuff. 

I’m going to try and sort it here. Bear with my muddling.

Kids. I’m so close to the end of my rope. Jack is a nightmare. He doesn’t sleep. He’s an utter arsehole. If he doesn’t get his own way he shouts and screams and tries to bully and beat up everyone. He has taught the 3 year old to say “fuck off” and “bitch”. So now I get that shouted at me from all quarters. It’s just awful. It’s an unfortunate effect of whatever it is that’s up with him. It’s a direct defiance of any authority, and a reward/punishment system just doesn’t work. I get no help and I’m kind of just feeling about in the dark. For anyone that says “smack him” or “take his stuff” it DOESNT WORK. (That’s my way of suggesting that I don’t want to hear it) Not only is smacking children horrible it just doesn’t work. All of my kids would spit in your eye and laugh in your face if you smacked them and then they’d do it right back. One thing they will not be is cowed. A hormonal 11 year old makes for some huffy moments pretty much every day. The joys.

Family stuff. My sister and I are in close contact and my brother and I too. We’re all pretty close because of mum – It feels weird but in a good way.

Worrying stuff. Money, mostly. The big pile of paperwork I’ve been putting off for months. How to make this months rent. (Clue: I’m not going to be able to). Kids (of course). Cats and dogs. Stuff I can’t control. 

Weather stuff. It’s too hot! 

Other stuff. Fostered a dog. Her name is Tia. Mini version of my old mate Cabbage. She’s lovely and beautiful. I want to keep her however I’m not sure she will fit. She keeps going for the 3 year old. Every time he comes near me. It’s a shame because she calms something in my soul. I’m allowed to keep her if I want – but should I?

I’m so tired of everything just now. I need a break from life. 

Wednesdays 

Aren’t that bad really are they. Aside from the grumpy children and the early mornings catching up with everyone.

Today has been a good day by the general scale of things. 

Had the day with my 11 year old. She got a mental health day today. Sometimes we all need those. We went shopping first thing, came home, spent some time together, had naps then the gardener came round. He’s still working now, for the equivalent of about £25 an hour. But it’s worth it, both my gardens are massive and there’s hedges all the way round. It was like a jungle. He’ll be done soon and we’ll have a lovely garden.

The 8 year old has been back from school an hour and has needed to be restrained already. He’s in my bed now though, hopefully I can keep him calm. I heard a better term than special needs lately which I appreciate much better – it’s “additional needs” and I think it works much better especially in regards to Jack. His needs aren’t special, they’re just him. Additional to others. I like it. 

Onwards and forwards. I’ll update later once they’re in bed. For now… it’s going okay. 

The evening was good. Having a less structured evening is working for us at the minute. So long as I don’t put too many restrictions in place and remain fluid with expectations we’re doing okay. We don’t have “bedtimes” as such but I try to get us all into bed by about half 9, 10. The kids lounge about until they fall asleep of their own accord which is nice. Then I go off (if I can). I took sleeping pills because I needed the rest that comes with. It was a content night, happy kids makes for a content mama. 

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