I called CAMHS today about my 10 year old daughter. Originally the call was to find out if I could request an appointment. It turned into a fact finding mission; how do I get her back onto their system? I have to take her to the GP and ask for a referral. I suspect it will be refused as I think I remember a healthcare professional (I forget which one) telling me that all referrals to CAMHS are refused as a matter of course now unless they go through a school. Which is unhelpful, if true. Bugger.

Something has to give though. Her meltdowns are ear splittingly awful. She stood not two feet away from me yesterday, literally jumping up and down on the spot as hard as she could, stamping her feet, screaming her head off. Because I sent her to bed for kicking her brother down the stairs. It was farcical except for the headache and the persistent screaming. It was awful.

I’m a bad parent. I don’t know how to manage my children. They’re so alternately awesome and awful. Mostly awful. I get no support, no time, no respite. God knows I need it. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m at a dead loss. I’m literally scrabbling in the dark and coming up with nothing. I hate my life. I hate that the only time I get off is at the mercy of a controlling, narcissistic, ego maniac who couldn’t put his kids first even if it meant his life. I hate that he is such a massive dick – he didn’t use to be such a dick but a year of nobody saying “no” to him has let his ego run rampant and unchecked and I have no doubt his superiority complex is well fed. I literally have never hated someone so much in my life and it’s new to me. I feel like I need to vomit when I think of him. I want to curse and puke and scrub myself. I guess I’ll just have to get used to it. But being at the mercy of his whims does not sit well. Especially when it’s my mental health resting on it. Especially then.