I had a great day! I had a positive post all planned out, thanks to my hugely positive and wildly successful day. For me, I mean. 

I was up and showered and beautified, hair curled, makeup done before the 8 year old even left for his bus (7.50am). The girls were up. One refused to go to school but fine I managed to keep my cool. She doesn’t want to go in, fine, no fun stuff at home though. Bed and books and that’s it.

Went shopping and took the oldest to college after he left and that was most of my day gone. Picked up my girl from school, home for tea and tidying up before a meeting with the doggos potential new parents. 

Picked up toddler boy from nursery and enquired as to their fees after chatting with his keyworker about how well he’s doing. Fees not as much as I thought, I signed him up for two more days, same times as he’s doing now, he will be in nursery every day Monday-Friday from next week. 

Meeting went well, the doggo impressed. He’s a lovely little thing and just needs some special looking after. I hope we’ve found the perfect place for him. They seemed to fall in love with him and it was definitely reciprocated. Arranged for him to go to his new forever home tomorrow. It’s short notice but hopefully that’s a good thing. I hope he will be happy. I will miss him.

So that was it. A great day. Until this evening. I was a little bit late following the routine but still got them to bed. Then the 10 year old decided she didn’t want to go to school tomorrow/bed now/her room/anywhere ever. And that was it. Blocks, tumbling down. My card tower crumbled. Dominos pushed, one by one, scattered. Chaos. 

Now why would I be so affected? I hear you say that you see because I think it too. If it’s just a little girl having a tantrum or a strop or a meltdown, why not just deal with it, ignore it, move on from it? Why not just carry on regardless, move past it, continue with whatever else I was doing. Because 1) I’m not very well; mentally my walls are somewhat lacking 2) she says such hurtful things that are designed to hurt me and 3) because if I ignored it what if one day I ignored the wrong thing and something happened because I missed something. Because I ignored it. Sounds daft but I would never forgive myself. Paranoia and anxiety say no. 

Here’s what happened:

She refused to go school this morning.

Come bedtime she’s gone off on one at her sister and older brother, wrecked her room, got in a fight, repeatedly slammed on the wall to adjoining room to annoy her brother, screamed in her sisters face. Her sister is moved out of the room. 

She has refused to go to bed. Said all sorts of horrible things to me. She wants to live with dad because he said she can and at least he’s nice. He says he doesn’t need pills to be happy. Why do I need pills to be happy. I’m never happy. She wants to kill herself. She wishes her friends were dead, she’s never going to school she hates everyone there and me etc. She sat in my room refusing to go to bed. She refused to leave me alone so I could go to bed. I asked her nicely repeatedly to please let me get some rest, she refused. This is all over school and not wanting to go to bed. She has threatened to never go anywhere ever again. 

Do I have to seriously be on suicide watch for a ten year old? 

I hate that I feel so badly towards her because she says such mean stuff and is so manipulative. She reminds me so much of her dad when she is like this. She has no empathy. I feel like I should love her regardless but I honestly could happily pack her off to live with her dad when she’s being so mean – except I know what a shitshow it would be and I’d have to pick the pieces up afterwards. It would not be healthy and ultimately it would cause more damage to all of us. 

So I’m sorry I’m not ending on something anywhere near a positive note. I feel utterly defeated. And I don’t know what to do.