Mental, mardy, but a little bit marvellous..


April 2017

The case of the poison and the whispering snake

How best to get your point across? Shout it over? Repeat it multiple times until it’s all anyone remembers you saying? Intimidation tactics? Or whispering your poison into an ear, slow and steady, drip drip drip, until the poison takes hold and no one knows how as they didn’t see you do it. The receiver doesn’t remember as it’s so slow and steady and consistent, it’s just low level background noise. 

This week has been pretty bad. It’s been loud and shouty and confused and mistaken and meltdowny and generally hard and long and dramatic. It culminated in the worst meltdown I have seen from my 10 year old in 2 years. Like refusing to go into school bad. Like attacking her brother bad. Like needing to be physically restrained bad. Like screaming her head off, as if she were a caged animal, not safe around others or herself bad. Like my arms are covered in bruises bad. Like her room now only has a bed, a desk a lamp and some shelves in it. Like she has to earn back her belongings. As bad as I’ve seen it in years bad. 

It has been awful. And all thanks to poison and the whispering snake. I originally thought, oh it’s just a bad day. Then I thought well maybe it’s just a bad couple of days, a bad day at school. And then I thought perhaps it could be because of the pressure at school and maybe some of that is coming out at home and there’s low level bullying going on and that’s probably impacting on our home life… and then I realised. It hit me. It’s poison. The poor girl is confused and acting out and taking it out on us at home. Because she is CONFUSED. Because that poison has been drip drip dripping into her ear and she’s using that as ammunition for all the hurtful things she says to me. She’s using that to fuel her anger at everything else. She’s using it to poison the world around her because she doesn’t understand. She simply doesn’t get it, she doesn’t realise that if superdad says she can go live with him that he doesn’t mean it. She doesn’t realise that when he says “I don’t need pills to make me happy” that he’s getting at me. She doesn’t question if she is told “mums not happy” where that unhappiness might be coming from, and how would he know since he hasn’t had contact with me in months. She doesn’t understand. She takes what she is told and she soaks it in like a sponge. And when that sponge is full, what happens? 

One thing in my house. We have each other’s backs. Even when one of us is off by a mile, we’re there for each other. The reason we are strong is because we are together. We will not be separated. So my girl being the very worst that she can be, just brings us closer to her. It opens up a dialogue, it lets the air clear and it helps us all remember what we are. We’re family and we are all any of us has got. The rest will come and go but in this house we have each other. We love and we hold and we stick together. 

Poison tells. It always leaves a mark.


Goodbye doggo

Doggo went. He was quiet but I think he knew. He will be happier in his new place. There won’t be any screaming children, no stress for him to worry about, just two new parents and a cat for him to love. I know it’s the very best thing for him – and for us, too. But it’s still a wrench. 

I didn’t sleep last night. I got a few hours, fitfully here and there. Tossing and turning and who knew silence could be so LOUD. It was an uncomfortable, restless sleep. No little warm body to sleep on my feet or nuzzle into my neck. No little pupper woofing in his sleep. These glasses are really rose tinted but I think it’s fair to say it will definitely take some getting used to. I will miss him. 

An up… can only go one way

I had a great day! I had a positive post all planned out, thanks to my hugely positive and wildly successful day. For me, I mean. 

I was up and showered and beautified, hair curled, makeup done before the 8 year old even left for his bus (7.50am). The girls were up. One refused to go to school but fine I managed to keep my cool. She doesn’t want to go in, fine, no fun stuff at home though. Bed and books and that’s it.

Went shopping and took the oldest to college after he left and that was most of my day gone. Picked up my girl from school, home for tea and tidying up before a meeting with the doggos potential new parents. 

Picked up toddler boy from nursery and enquired as to their fees after chatting with his keyworker about how well he’s doing. Fees not as much as I thought, I signed him up for two more days, same times as he’s doing now, he will be in nursery every day Monday-Friday from next week. 

Meeting went well, the doggo impressed. He’s a lovely little thing and just needs some special looking after. I hope we’ve found the perfect place for him. They seemed to fall in love with him and it was definitely reciprocated. Arranged for him to go to his new forever home tomorrow. It’s short notice but hopefully that’s a good thing. I hope he will be happy. I will miss him.

So that was it. A great day. Until this evening. I was a little bit late following the routine but still got them to bed. Then the 10 year old decided she didn’t want to go to school tomorrow/bed now/her room/anywhere ever. And that was it. Blocks, tumbling down. My card tower crumbled. Dominos pushed, one by one, scattered. Chaos. 

Now why would I be so affected? I hear you say that you see because I think it too. If it’s just a little girl having a tantrum or a strop or a meltdown, why not just deal with it, ignore it, move on from it? Why not just carry on regardless, move past it, continue with whatever else I was doing. Because 1) I’m not very well; mentally my walls are somewhat lacking 2) she says such hurtful things that are designed to hurt me and 3) because if I ignored it what if one day I ignored the wrong thing and something happened because I missed something. Because I ignored it. Sounds daft but I would never forgive myself. Paranoia and anxiety say no. 

Here’s what happened:

She refused to go school this morning.

Come bedtime she’s gone off on one at her sister and older brother, wrecked her room, got in a fight, repeatedly slammed on the wall to adjoining room to annoy her brother, screamed in her sisters face. Her sister is moved out of the room. 

She has refused to go to bed. Said all sorts of horrible things to me. She wants to live with dad because he said she can and at least he’s nice. He says he doesn’t need pills to be happy. Why do I need pills to be happy. I’m never happy. She wants to kill herself. She wishes her friends were dead, she’s never going to school she hates everyone there and me etc. She sat in my room refusing to go to bed. She refused to leave me alone so I could go to bed. I asked her nicely repeatedly to please let me get some rest, she refused. This is all over school and not wanting to go to bed. She has threatened to never go anywhere ever again. 

Do I have to seriously be on suicide watch for a ten year old? 

I hate that I feel so badly towards her because she says such mean stuff and is so manipulative. She reminds me so much of her dad when she is like this. She has no empathy. I feel like I should love her regardless but I honestly could happily pack her off to live with her dad when she’s being so mean – except I know what a shitshow it would be and I’d have to pick the pieces up afterwards. It would not be healthy and ultimately it would cause more damage to all of us. 

So I’m sorry I’m not ending on something anywhere near a positive note. I feel utterly defeated. And I don’t know what to do. 

Tuesday breathing

I don’t have much to say about today. I’ve hit some frantically paced giggly highs and some slow, way down deep lows. But mostly I’ve just been me today. Existing, occupying my own space, being. 

Being me, being this, being here. 

Because sometimes there’s nothing else you can do but accept, empathise and breathe. No more, no less.

Sunday morning

Sitting in the sunshine. Reflecting on the night. It wasn’t too bad. Watched a couple of films. Fell asleep eventually. Got up a few times. Had a good, if dream filled, sleep. Maybe I’ll nap later too. 

Looking forward to getting my babies home and cuddling them. I’ve missed their faces and their smiles. Ive missed my babies warm body cuddled up to me during the dark hours. I’ve missed their cheeky smiles and even their bad moods. I’ve missed them all around me and when they get home I will finally feel like a “normal” person again. As normal as I can, anyway. 

I missed my hearts this weekend. Won’t I feel so much better having them home. 

Saturday evening, alone

I’m trying not to go down. Today has been busy, I’ve kept the doubts, the loneliness at bay.

Started off with a sinking feeling. I woke up late and that disappointed me. 12:30pm. I clearly needed the sleep (especially after a week of broken and barely there sleep) but it’s still an awful long time to stay out cold for. That’s what cleaning up a 15 year olds projectile vomiting at 3am does.. Helluva lie in. 

So. Up late and out shopping to buy a new table and chairs. Yesterday I had a delivery of new furniture for my living room, the table and chairs set was to finish it off. Bought my little girl some new school dresses and my 15 year old some new school trousers. And shorts and socks for toddler boy. Grab a macdonalds on the way home for my big boys and say goodbye to £170. It all adds up.

Once home I clean the kitchen, put the washing on the line, tidy up. Help 15 year old assemble table and chairs. Repot some pot plants, do some extra planting outside. So everything is done, and it’s beautiful. The big boys helped in the garden and the house, its tidy and lovely. With the four small people at their nannas for the weekend it’s been quiet and if it’s clean, it stays clean. It feels difficult.

Anyway, shower before Doctor Who. Sit down to watch it. Once it’s finished (and later than expected thanks to the live pause option) im lonely. My evenings gone. How do I stay up? I don’t know how to, I don’t know what to do now.  I’m sat on my own watching American Horror Story. Where do I go from here? My body feels like it’s fallen. Like it’s taken a battering and it’s just barely functioning. My mind is at sixes and sevens. I have cries in my chest but they’re not coming out yet. I can feel the tears behind my eyes. 

My children are away from me. I’m spending longer away from them than I have in years. 2 nights. I’ve not had 2 nights off since 2014. I’ve not had any time off. And I didn’t make concrete plans as it was so last minute and I don’t trust superdad or his mum when it comes to keeping plans. So I guess I shot myself in the foot this time. I could’ve done lots and instead I didn’t do anything. Oh well. Onwards and forwards I suppose. It’s only 18 hours until I see the kids again. But who’s counting.


Twice now I’ve lost posts. Long, in depth, mind bending ones. Halfway through ones. I don’t know what’s changed in the wordpress app, but if it’s closed it doesn’t automatically save to draft. It’s pissing me off. 


So I’m sitting here. And I’m crying, right. I’m not crying because my daughter just had a meltdown because I asked her to help me sweep up for the third time today. I’m not crying because no matter how many times I sweep or tidy or clean up what is a never ending path of garbage being dropped all over my house. I’m not even crying because I just received a cheque that Ive been chasing for weeks and it’s for a sizeable amount of money that if nothing else will save me from my car insurance this month. I’m not even crying because it’s not the first meltdown of the day, so far were on the third and it’s only just turned midday. I’m not crying because yesterday was one of the worst days of my life so far, another confirmed case of autism and my sanity at definite breaking point. 4 out of my 6 kids have special needs and they all have autism. Goodness me. I’m not crying because that was a HUGE shock to my system even though I already knew it and it wasn’t remotely surprising. 

I’m crying because I can hear the three smallest playing together. They’re giggling, chatting, getting along.  There’s no screaming, they’ve not battered each other yet and they’re actually interacting in a manner you’d expect from “normal” children. Oh my god. They can do it. Sometimes, not often. They can get along. It’s a revelation!

Missed post

I started a post last night and I never finished it. Log in this morning and it’s gone, poof! Like it never existed. Probably for the best. There was real nuance to it but I can’t remember what was said. 

It was like one of those dreams where it all makes sense and you wake with clarity and as the day goes on you couldn’t describe it if you tried (and you do try) and it matters less and less until it’s just a wisp of a dream that you remember having but can no longer remember the content to. One of those. 

Something about sanity and clinging to something during the storm. Misdirection. Something about that. I was dead tired. I’m not surprised it’s up and gone. I was half asleep by the time I went to sleep and everything i can remember is a bit blurry. Guess I need to sleep earlier and longer. Roll on tomorrow morning – there’s nothing to get up for, just time to stay in bed and sleep and relax and chill. All morning. I can’t wait. 

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