Mental, mardy, but a little bit marvellous..


April 2017

The case of the poison and the whispering snake

How best to get your point across? Shout it over? Repeat it multiple times until it’s all anyone remembers you saying? Intimidation tactics? Or whispering your poison into an ear, slow and steady, drip drip drip, until the poison takes hold and no one knows how as they didn’t see you do it. The receiver doesn’t remember as it’s so slow and steady and consistent, it’s just low level background noise. 

This week has been pretty bad. It’s been loud and shouty and confused and mistaken and meltdowny and generally hard and long and dramatic. It culminated in the worst meltdown I have seen from my 10 year old in 2 years. Like refusing to go into school bad. Like attacking her brother bad. Like needing to be physically restrained bad. Like screaming her head off, as if she were a caged animal, not safe around others or herself bad. Like my arms are covered in bruises bad. Like her room now only has a bed, a desk a lamp and some shelves in it. Like she has to earn back her belongings. As bad as I’ve seen it in years bad. 

It has been awful. And all thanks to poison and the whispering snake. I originally thought, oh it’s just a bad day. Then I thought well maybe it’s just a bad couple of days, a bad day at school. And then I thought perhaps it could be because of the pressure at school and maybe some of that is coming out at home and there’s low level bullying going on and that’s probably impacting on our home life… and then I realised. It hit me. It’s poison. The poor girl is confused and acting out and taking it out on us at home. Because she is CONFUSED. Because that poison has been drip drip dripping into her ear and she’s using that as ammunition for all the hurtful things she says to me. She’s using that to fuel her anger at everything else. She’s using it to poison the world around her because she doesn’t understand. She simply doesn’t get it, she doesn’t realise that if superdad says she can go live with him that he doesn’t mean it. She doesn’t realise that when he says “I don’t need pills to make me happy” that he’s getting at me. She doesn’t question if she is told “mums not happy” where that unhappiness might be coming from, and how would he know since he hasn’t had contact with me in months. She doesn’t understand. She takes what she is told and she soaks it in like a sponge. And when that sponge is full, what happens? 

One thing in my house. We have each other’s backs. Even when one of us is off by a mile, we’re there for each other. The reason we are strong is because we are together. We will not be separated. So my girl being the very worst that she can be, just brings us closer to her. It opens up a dialogue, it lets the air clear and it helps us all remember what we are. We’re family and we are all any of us has got. The rest will come and go but in this house we have each other. We love and we hold and we stick together. 

Poison tells. It always leaves a mark.

Goodbye doggo

Doggo went. He was quiet but I think he knew. He will be happier in his new place. There won’t be any screaming children, no stress for him to worry about, just two new parents and a cat for him to love. I know it’s the very best thing for him – and for us, too. But it’s still a wrench. 

I didn’t sleep last night. I got a few hours, fitfully here and there. Tossing and turning and who knew silence could be so LOUD. It was an uncomfortable, restless sleep. No little warm body to sleep on my feet or nuzzle into my neck. No little pupper woofing in his sleep. These glasses are really rose tinted but I think it’s fair to say it will definitely take some getting used to. I will miss him. 

An up… can only go one way

I had a great day! I had a positive post all planned out, thanks to my hugely positive and wildly successful day. For me, I mean. 

I was up and showered and beautified, hair curled, makeup done before the 8 year old even left for his bus (7.50am). The girls were up. One refused to go to school but fine I managed to keep my cool. She doesn’t want to go in, fine, no fun stuff at home though. Bed and books and that’s it.

He came to see me for a little bit and it was fun and lovely as usual. We went shopping and took the oldest to college after he left and that was most of my day gone. Picked up my girl from school, home for tea and tidying up before a meeting with the doggos potential new parents. 

Picked up toddler boy from nursery and enquired as to their fees after chatting with his keyworker about how well he’s doing. Fees not as much as I thought, I signed him up for two more days, same times as he’s doing now, he will be in nursery every day Monday-Friday from next week. 

Meeting went well, the doggo impressed. He’s a lovely little thing and just needs some special looking after. I hope we’ve found the perfect place for him. They seemed to fall in love with him and it was definitely reciprocated. Arranged for him to go to his new forever home tomorrow. It’s short notice but hopefully that’s a good thing. I hope he will be happy. I will miss him.

So that was it. A great day. Until this evening. I was a little bit late following the routine but still got them to bed. Then the 10 year old decided she didn’t want to go to school tomorrow/bed now/her room/anywhere ever. And that was it. Blocks, tumbling down. My card tower crumbled. Dominos pushed, one by one, scattered. Chaos. 

Now why would I be so affected? I hear you say that you see because I think it too. If it’s just a little girl having a tantrum or a strop or a meltdown, why not just deal with it, ignore it, move on from it? Why not just carry on regardless, move past it, continue with whatever else I was doing. Because 1) I’m not very well; mentally my walls are somewhat lacking 2) she says such hurtful things that are designed to hurt me and 3) because if I ignored it what if one day I ignored the wrong thing and something happened because I missed something. Because I ignored it. Sounds daft but I would never forgive myself. Paranoia and anxiety say no. 

Here’s what happened:

She refused to go school this morning.

Come bedtime she’s gone off on one at her sister and older brother, wrecked her room, got in a fight, repeatedly slammed on the wall to adjoining room to annoy her brother, screamed in her sisters face. Her sister is moved out of the room. 

She has refused to go to bed. Said all sorts of horrible things to me. She wants to live with dad because he said she can and at least he’s nice. He says he doesn’t need pills to be happy. Why do I need pills to be happy. I’m never happy. She wants to kill herself. She wishes her friends were dead, she’s never going to school she hates everyone there and me etc. She sat in my room refusing to go to bed. She refused to leave me alone so I could go to bed. I asked her nicely repeatedly to please let me get some rest, she refused. This is all over school and not wanting to go to bed. She has threatened to never go anywhere ever again. 

Do I have to seriously be on suicide watch for a ten year old? 

I hate that I feel so badly towards her because she says such mean stuff and is so manipulative. She reminds me so much of her dad when she is like this. She has no empathy. I feel like I should love her regardless but I honestly could happily pack her off to live with her dad when she’s being so mean – except I know what a shitshow it would be and I’d have to pick the pieces up afterwards. It would not be healthy and ultimately it would cause more damage to all of us. 

So I’m sorry I’m not ending on something anywhere near a positive note. I feel utterly defeated. And I don’t know what to do. 

Tuesday breathing

I don’t have much to say about today. I’ve hit some frantically paced giggly highs and some slow, way down deep lows. But mostly I’ve just been me today. Existing, occupying my own space, being. 

Being me, being this, being here. 

Because sometimes there’s nothing else you can do but accept, empathise and breathe. No more, no less.

Mondays shades of grey 

Happy, blissful, disappointed, sinking, steadied out. 

That’s how I’ve felt today. I started off on a high and it was so, so good. I guess the rest of the day was going to be shaded grey in comparison to such a sunny start. 

He came round today. We had breakfast and a brew together. I managed to make a decent cup of tea for once. Just the one mind. 

Took ourselves off to bed for cuddles after and he held me and it was dreamy and snoozy and warm. We drifted in and out of consciousness together for a while and there were no ties, no disappointments, no awkwardness. Just… bliss. And being held. And listening to someone’s heart beat in time with mine. It was lovely. So this afternoon has felt like a gradual detaching of himself from me – he has sort of pulled away from this mornings closeness. Three points about this:

  1. I’m aware he does this
  2. I should have known it would happen and 
  3. It wasn’t entirely unexpected due to the nature of the conversation were having via text.  

My 10 year old asked me if we were in a relationship and I said “I suppose we are rather”. I relayed this to him… he didn’t say anything except for “I’m not going down that road again” presumably because the last time I asked him if he was my boyfriend we fell out and didn’t speak for weeks. So whatever, right? It’s not too bad. 

But I’ve messaged a few times and I’ve had barely a response since and it feels kind of deliberate. I know I over-think and I read into things that aren’t there but I think maybe I’ve been pushed aside a little bit this afternoon. Maybe he got too close this morning and the conversation over “relationships” scared him just a little bit. Maybe it hasn’t been like that at all and actually he’s just been busy. Or sleeping.

For my part I’m happy knowing we’re together and that neither of us will be seeing anyone else. That’s enough for me. I like the way it sits, we both have our own lives and I don’t want to change that aspect of anything. I guess it’s just a case of waiting and seeing whether he will want to make it more of a thing than it is. I don’t see how to even do that – maybe an acknowledgement of each others presence in our respective lives? The most important people in my life know already; I guess it’s for him to decide who he’d like to know. It’s new territory for me. My last serious boyfriend was married so he couldn’t tell anyone about me even if he wanted to! Bit of a difference. 

Anyway, my grey, dull afternoon and I have had a rather uneventful, dull evening and that’s just how I like it. The childers are all in bed, our new routine has been stuck to for the second night in a row and I cannot complain at all. I’m so pleased with them. They’ve done me proud today. So I shall go to bed with a happy heart. Because grey is okay, and a happy horde makes a happy me. 

Sunday morning

Sitting in the sunshine. Reflecting on the night. It wasn’t too bad. Watched a couple of films. Fell asleep eventually. Got up a few times. Had a good, if dream filled, sleep. Maybe I’ll nap later too. 

Looking forward to getting my babies home and cuddling them. I’ve missed their faces and their smiles. Ive missed my babies warm body cuddled up to me during the dark hours. I’ve missed their cheeky smiles and even their bad moods. I’ve missed them all around me and when they get home I will finally feel like a “normal” person again. As normal as I can, anyway. 

I missed my hearts this weekend. Won’t I feel so much better having them home. 

Saturday evening, alone

I’m trying not to go down. Today has been busy, I’ve kept the doubts, the loneliness at bay. I had something to look forward to. 

Started off with a sinking feeling. I woke up late and that disappointed me. 12:30pm. I clearly needed the sleep (especially after a week of broken and barely there sleep) but it’s still an awful long time to stay out cold for. That’s what cleaning up a 15 year olds projectile vomiting at 3am does.. Helluva lie in. 

So. Up late and out shopping to buy a new table and chairs. Yesterday I had a delivery of new furniture for my living room, the table and chairs set was to finish it off. Bought my little girl some new school dresses and my 15 year old some new school trousers. And shorts and socks for toddler boy. Grab a macdonalds on the way home for my big boys and say goodbye to £170. It all adds up.

Once home I clean the kitchen, put the washing on the line, tidy up. Help 15 year old assemble table and chairs. Repot some pot plants, do some extra planting outside. Sort laundry out. Tidy and faff and make things nice, *he* is supposed to be coming round this evening after Doctor Who is finished. So everything is done, and it’s beautiful. The big boys helped in the garden and the house, its tidy and lovely. With the four small people at their nannas for the weekend it’s been quiet and if it’s clean, it stays clean. It feels difficult.

Anyway, shower before Doctor Who. Sit down to watch it. Once it’s finished (and later than expected thanks to the live pause option) he’s still not here so I text and ask if he’s awake, thinking he’s probably fallen asleep in his chair. My whole day has led up to this point. I’ve been looking forward to seeing him since I woke up. 

A text ten minutes later and he’s not coming. He’s hurt his back. It’s in spasm. I have no doubt it really hurts. Poor thing. 

And I’m alone. My evenings gone. How do I stay up? I don’t know how to, I don’t know what to do now. I was supposed to have company, I was supposed to have someone to talk to… I got nothing; I’m sat on my own watching American Horror Story. Where do I go from here? My body feels like it’s fallen. Like it’s taken a battering and it’s just barely functioning. My mind is at sixes and sevens. And my heart is ever so slightly breaking. I have cries in my chest but they’re not coming out yet. I can feel the tears behind my eyes. 

I hate that I’m dependent on anyone for my happiness. Actually scratch that. I’m not dependent on anyone for my happiness. I defy anyone not to be disappointed with a cancelled date. I guess that’s all it is in the grand scheme of things. Just a cancellation. It’s not a big deal.

Except it’s just a cancellation on a weekend where I’m alone. Where my children are away from me. Where I’m spending longer away from them than I have in years. 2 nights. I’ve not had 2 nights off since 2014. I’ve not had any time off. And I didn’t make concrete plans as it was so last minute and I don’t trust superdad or his mum when it comes to keeping plans. So I guess I shot myself in the foot this time. I could’ve done lots and instead I didn’t do anything. Oh well. Onwards and forwards I suppose. It’s only 18 hours until I see the kids again. But who’s counting.

Him and I 

I’ve been giving this a lot of thought. And I don’t know why he and I fell out. I mean, I do, kind of. But I don’t, also.

I know I felt like he didn’t want me, at all. And that it was clearly not a relationship he wanted as he told me. He wasn’t cruel he was trying to do the right thing, I perceived it as cruel. And like he didn’t want me. In hindsight I can see his actions and my own more clearly now. 

My first point: I had two previous, relatively recent relationships, both of which were with men that wanted me in the very physical sense of the word. I was not used to someone showing restraint when it came to sex. I was used to being wanted, passionately, physically, and if I wasn’t there in person then by every other form of communication, frequently and decisively. 

He, on the other hand, was single and had been for some time, following a relationship that lasted 15+ years, with someone who wasn’t demonstrative or particularly physical, emotionally or sexually. 

That’s two people coming from two very different places. So no wonder we had issues. I was expecting (used to) someone who wanted to talk to me 24/7, who wanted me sexually, 24/7 and who liked that I was so emotionally available. I got someone who didn’t want an emotional tie, who wasn’t used to being wanted completely and who was probably somewhat intimidated by my willingness to jump in head first. 

So. Fast forward to now. I am used to his texting style – he says good morning and good night and I’m happy with that. Some days we talk a lot, some days we talk less but (I think) I don’t put pressure on him for more and he really makes the effort and I think we meet in the middle pretty well. Sexually were still in the early days but we’re learning together. And taking it slowly which, although new for me, isn’t a bad thing. We seem to have good chemistry at any rate. 

Emotionally, I have taken a big step back. I’m trying to hold my heart in check and keep from scaring him off or running away. I suspect he doesn’t want me to fall for him but it’s way too late for that. I already did, way back. It wouldn’t have hurt so much otherwise. But. I try to take into account his feelings and I know he’s basically new at this. Staying over isn’t second nature yet and that’s ok. I’d rather know he wants me there for the time I’m there than him want to get rid of me because I’m there too long. I know he texts me when he thinks of me and he asks me over when he wants company. I have taken a huge step out of my comfort zone to deal with it but it’s not a bad thing at all. I’ve had to slow down and take it easy and that’s been difficult but also eye opening. 

My only thing is this. I have the feeling. Call it a hunch. That he was still in love with his ex. (I wrote about it in a previous post some time ago). And that feeling was backed up by him this evening. He seemed to confirm his emotional availability only happened after she had moved on (recently). I don’t know if it was conscious for him or not but it’s been a bit of a blow. I was so loved up. 

But this… I don’t know now if he wants me for wanting me or if he wants me to get over someone else. It’s quite a difficult feeling, and I’m not sure how I get over it. Do I mention it and risk pushing him further away? Or do I just leave it and let it be? And hope that eventually he becomes as invested as I am? 

I don’t want a live in lover, I don’t want a live in relationship but a two way thing, visits a few times a week? I could get used to that. I want that. And I want him. I want him to want me just the same way. 


Twice now I’ve lost posts. Long, in depth, mind bending ones. Halfway through ones. I don’t know what’s changed in the wordpress app, but if it’s closed it doesn’t automatically save to draft. It’s pissing me off. 

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