How best to get your point across? Shout it over? Repeat it multiple times until it’s all anyone remembers you saying? Intimidation tactics? Or whispering your poison into an ear, slow and steady, drip drip drip, until the poison takes hold and no one knows how as they didn’t see you do it. The receiver doesn’t remember as it’s so slow and steady and consistent, it’s just low level background noise.
This week has been pretty bad. It’s been loud and shouty and confused and mistaken and meltdowny and generally hard and long and dramatic. It culminated in the worst meltdown I have seen from my 10 year old in 2 years. Like refusing to go into school bad. Like attacking her brother bad. Like needing to be physically restrained bad. Like screaming her head off, as if she were a caged animal, not safe around others or herself bad. Like my arms are covered in bruises bad. Like her room now only has a bed, a desk a lamp and some shelves in it. Like she has to earn back her belongings. As bad as I’ve seen it in years bad.
It has been awful. And all thanks to poison and the whispering snake. I originally thought, oh it’s just a bad day. Then I thought well maybe it’s just a bad couple of days, a bad day at school. And then I thought perhaps it could be because of the pressure at school and maybe some of that is coming out at home and there’s low level bullying going on and that’s probably impacting on our home life… and then I realised. It hit me. It’s poison. The poor girl is confused and acting out and taking it out on us at home. Because she is CONFUSED. Because that poison has been drip drip dripping into her ear and she’s using that as ammunition for all the hurtful things she says to me. She’s using that to fuel her anger at everything else. She’s using it to poison the world around her because she doesn’t understand. She simply doesn’t get it, she doesn’t realise that if superdad says she can go live with him that he doesn’t mean it. She doesn’t realise that when he says “I don’t need pills to make me happy” that he’s getting at me. She doesn’t question if she is told “mums not happy” where that unhappiness might be coming from, and how would he know since he hasn’t had contact with me in months. She doesn’t understand. She takes what she is told and she soaks it in like a sponge. And when that sponge is full, what happens?
One thing in my house. We have each other’s backs. Even when one of us is off by a mile, we’re there for each other. The reason we are strong is because we are together. We will not be separated. So my girl being the very worst that she can be, just brings us closer to her. It opens up a dialogue, it lets the air clear and it helps us all remember what we are. We’re family and we are all any of us has got. The rest will come and go but in this house we have each other. We love and we hold and we stick together.
Poison tells. It always leaves a mark.