Today has been difficult. It was supposed to be good but it’s not been easy by any stretch. 

Started off okay. Got up to a clean house thanks to my late night cleaning before bed. Got the 8 year old off to his bus okay and on time. Went for a shower, woke the girls up. Then it was time to leave and no one was ready. Cue another 10 minutes of getting them all ready to go. 10 more minutes getting them out the house and into the car and we set off. Traffic. Toddler boy into nursery by 10 past 9, girls into school by 9.20 and I’m at Tesco and on my way home by 9.30. Half an hour later than I meant to be. The weather is atrocious. Rain and wind and cold. Brrr. 

A bill collector turned up while I had visitors. I did try to sort it out but I hate talking on the doorstep, it’s undignified and they could hear and it’s private and I just got rid of them as quickly as I could because I was so embarrassed. I told them Superdad had done a runner too so I don’t have to pay for anything in his name. It’s a lie but what can I do. I’ll give them back the items then they don’t need to bother do they. I just hate talking at the door. I hate that I get so anxious about this. And I hate that I feel guilty for it even after the way he’s treated me. Anyway she (the bill collector) went and that was okay.

But I was on the verge of tears and I am now and I just don’t know why I’m like this. I say other people compartmentalise but actually today has made me realise I do that too. On a much larger scale than I previously thought. Finances, yes, I’ve always been very private about that but otherwise I’ve seen myself as an open book. Which I am in regards to personal matters but mental health and my children’s mental health is another box. And my exes and the way they relate to my current relationships and life is another box. And so is the way I bring up my children or treat my animals, my family, my friends. Although all these things mix and interact, in my head they’re separate. It’s very strange to me. And it’s me that does it. It’s weird and strange and doesn’t feel like me at all.

Anyway. It’s not been a bad day. But it hasn’t been an easy day. I’m hopeful that the children will be okay this evening since they’ve all had meltdowns already this week but I suspect that won’t change just because there’s a weekend on the horizon. I’m so tired and worn out. It’s now been 6 weeks since I got a break from the children and my life. It’s been a long and difficult  6 weeks, however the children and I are better for it I think. We have learned several new things. We have each other. No one else will help us, we have to help ourselves and each other. There is no one else except for ourselves. That’s a stark reality to face, especially when you have people that say “we do so much for you”. But in reality they don’t do anything that helps. They don’t turn up, they don’t visit, they blanked me for ‘important’ family members and they’ve ignored me. That’s not support. That’s not even being a friend. So. The children and I have each other and we are happy together. The rest is just window dressing. 

I got my delivery of homemade fudge through the post. It’s not all bad. Because I did get yummies!

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