3 things happened this weekend.

1) superdad decided not to have the children and to be quite offensive and nasty about it when questioned. 

2) I couldn’t go visit the new baby my ex in laws have just had as their “proper” family wanted to go.

3) the 8 year old ran away

The first thing hurt my feelings. I was called a child that lacks the ability to understand anything – and also told my mental range is seriously lacking and diminished. That was extremely hurtful for me. It pained me, still does. Also changed every single one of my plans. I was planning on spending some time with my big boys this weekend as the small people and I are away next week. I haven’t been able to do that and it’s at someone else’s selfish whim. That makes me angry. 

The second thing hurt my already fragile feelings and made me cry. Because I have made such an effort. I have been to visit these ex in laws every week for ages. I have made sure to text them to make sure everything is ok and to ask if there’s anything they need in advance of us going to see them. I have spent weeks getting together baby outfits, an after birth care package for the new mum and presents for all of them. And to be told I’m not as important as this family that just turns up… it was a bit of a blow. Unfortunate. I’ve made the effort even when my mental health has been less than desirable. The gifts and the big bunch of flowers I got for them have been delivered by the ex mother in law and I think the children and I may be going up tomorrow. Maybe. We will see. Tomorrow was my day for packing and shopping for my trip so I don’t know. I’m going to have to reevaluate my whole plan to try and fit stuff in. 

The third thing brought on more waterworks and a general feeling of defeat. Because this whole single parent gig is hard. And it’s not just hard sometimes, it’s hard all the time. I don’t have the emotional fronts to deal with it this weekend. I’ve been bruised and battered from can to can’t and I’m worn out. I can’t keep doing it. 

I needed a break this weekend and originally I was to get 2 nights off. Not the days, just the nights, 5pm Saturday to 10am Monday. Instead I’ve got nothing. And I’ve been reminded just how little I mean to anyone that is local to me. No one gives a shit. That’s not self pity, that’s the truth. It’s not a new truth but it’s one I try to avoid. Seems like I have no choice now. 

I could happily sleep right now and never wake up. If only.