When I first started this blog I had all sorts of things going on. My whole situation is much better now and in general I’m more self confident than before.
Although I still suffer anxiety and panic attacks, the depression is probably better managed, even if it’s because I accept it more as a part of me now. But I used to try and describe the feelings. I would call my dark days the doldrums and I would describe how it felt to be in them.
When I moved over to this new theme, I saved all my old posts in a private post just for me and I just recently discovered them again. I’m making my way through them. I’ve been blogging for 3 years now and my style is certainly different.
See what you think:
Today has been a real rollercoaster. It’s definitely not been ordinary. The doldrums took over. My little boat was rocked and rolled, got a hole in it, sank, and I had to swim. Scary stuff, and dark days like this don’t happen often. But I’m much better off with days like this than anxious days. If there’s no irrational fear-laden panic attack in sight then I’m ok and I know I can keep going. The anxious days are bad. They make no sense and I spend my time with this huge knot of fear in my stomach. Do you remember when you were a kid and you were scared of your parents telling you off? Or of getting found out ’cause you nicked the last icecream? Sheer dread. Pure fear. Horrible feeling. And it leeches into everything. Everyone becomes someone to be afraid of. “What if”s abound and there’s nothing else to do but wait for it to pass and try not to entertain the madness. And it is a madness. When it’s over, or on ‘normal’ days, you can look at the thoughts you had and just laugh because they’re so very crazy and irrational. It’s difficult. And it’s not just the one anxiety attack. The day after is to be feared too. What if you wake up feeling the same way? Maybe it won’t be a new day; maybe you just won’t sleep for the worry and you’ll spend all night going round and round in circles.. and get up in the same mood. Maybe it’ll never end. Maybe this is it, and your brain has finally tripped out and you won’t come out of it. What if this is it? Forever? I’ll tell you now, it is terrifying not being in control of your thoughts. And being scared of your own thoughts. Absolutely terrifying