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sixymama

Mental, mardy, but a little bit marvellous..

Month

February 2017

51 facts about me

1) when I think of myself driving my car, it’s like a kids drawing. In felt tip. 

2) I spend a lot of time every day wondering what I should eat. Then not eating.

3) I sometimes go weeks without reading a book. Then I feel bad so I read lots of books all at once. 

4) My favourite perfume is Eternity by Calvin Klein. I regularly buy other perfumes and wear them all at the same time. I never wear just one.

5) When I was a child I smashed my own face with a tennis bat and my nose bled for hours.

6) I always feel like an imposter. 

7) having my first child saved my life. I would’ve killed myself without him. 

8) making the decision to keep my second son (even though I was single and 18) made me a real mother. I felt like a pretender before that. 

9) I didn’t believe in ADHD or Autism until my child was diagnosed with it. Then I broke down in tears.

10) every day I look forward to bedtime more than anything else

11) my bed is my favourite place

12) I cosleep with my 3 year old. We spend almost every waking minute together unless he has nursery.

13) I hate the school run

14) I always try to be kind. Even when it doesn’t get me very much

15) my mother is ashamed of me and once told me she wished I’d been aborted 

16) my father is ashamed of me too. Because I don’t have anything more than a college diploma and some GCSEs. 

17) I will never ever be ashamed of any of my children. They may have special needs, they may not get very far in life. But if they’re happy, they’re already doing better than 50% of the population

18) I love music but don’t listen to it nearly enough

19) I sometimes long to go for a drive in my car, alone. Just so I can listen to a song or an album.

20) I have a bath every single day. I use Badedas and most the time I just sit in the water and read. 

21) I feel “dry” a lot of the time. I feel like I’m drying out if i don’t bathe every day or have contact with deep water. 

22) I only day drink on Christmas Day.

23) my mother is an alcoholic. I vowed never to be like her. I rarely drink. 

24) I like the number 7.

25) I want to write a book. I have characters ready. But I’ve not had a story present itself to me yet. 

26) I love to paint. (Oils are my favourite)

27) I worry that I will be found out that I’m not a real person. 

28) I think about my death on a daily basis. Not in a bad way, it gives me peace.

29) I love poetry. My favourite poet is Neil Hilborn

30) Maya Angelou is my hero

31) I spent many years getting over childhood abuse

32) I feel sorry for people that have rigid views and opinions. I wonder why it scares them so much to open their minds

33) I am a feminist. For women, and for men.

34) I love cartoons and watch them all the time. My favourite cartoon is Adventure Time. I also love Clarence, We bare bears, regular show and Steven universe. 

35) I am in love with someone who will never love me back

36) my boiler cupboard is full of crap! No matter how many times I empty it, it gets full again within a week

37) I hate to clean. I do the minimum I can get away with. Sometimes when I’m going through a bad patch I don’t hoover for weeks. 

38) the laundry pile is ever growing. I saw he bottom of the basket for the first time in a month yesterday. It’s full again today

39) I want to work with dead bodies. I feel like my anxiety will lessen if I don’t have to deal with alive people

40) my bestest friend lives 300 miles away from me. I miss her every day. 

41) I moved 300 miles away from my family. I don’t miss them. I would never move away from my kids

42) I see parallels between my life and my mums life and I hate it

43) I treat other people how I would like to be treated. I never get anything in return, even company

44) I’m lonely

45) my children are my world

46) I was 16 when I got pregnant with my first child. He is now 17. 

47) my favourite cereal is coco pops

48) I can’t eat eggs. I eat the yellow part (fried) but not the white. The textures make me sick. I can’t eat omelettes or scrambled eggs or hard boiled eggs.

49) I’m fat. 

50) I have a dog and 3 cats. 

51) I forget everything. Even when I write it down. 

A mistaken holiday

Coming here was a mistake. The whole notion of a holiday in my mothers company was a mistake. Being in this place where I grew up, in the company of the people I grew up around, was a mistake. It’s a mistaken holiday.

The children have been moaned at, complained about, made horrible comments at, shouted at, and generally been under her feet since we got here. Why I thought it would be a nice time for us I don’t know.

Everything local is closed. The whole place shuts down in the winter and even when the weather is improving it stays shut. The children are all in school, so things that might open (I have no idea what things, I haven’t found them yet) when they’re off are shut. Because clearly it’s out of the ordinary for children at different schools to be on different term times. 

So. The weather is improving. It’s still cold but the sun is shining. We should be able to go to a couple of play parks and not freeze or get blown away. So we can do something today. 

My car is half done. My brother has got the jacks to lift the car up. He’s found the sump and needs to get a tool that fits then the oil change will be complete this afternoon. He’s bled the brakes. He’s going to do a full service he next time we come down – so we will have to come down again or I need to pay to get it serviced. Either one. He says it will be good for a few thousand miles after the oil change so that’s worth the trip down here regardless of all the other stuff. 

Back to the mistakes. I don’t know why mum invited us down. She makes it clear she doesn’t like having us here or being in her house. Maybe next time we come down we will visit her and then leave. I’m not sure, at the minute I never want to come here again. If I never saw this place, stopped in this place, heard of this place, it would be too soon. I absolutely hate it. It makes me feel like I’m less than. Less than me, less than good, less than everything, my mum makes me feel like I’m inferior and nothing is good enough – and what makes it worse is she makes me feel like I’m failing as a parent – she treats my children as less than. She treats them as mistakes, as hoodlums, as you’d treat a dog. Except her dog gets better treatment than my children in her company. This is turn makes me a quite edgy, defensive person. 

I do not appreciate my children being treated badly. It arouses my hackles. My whole ‘me’ is ready for a fight and for me that’s not a good thing. It’s completely alien. It’s not me. And so we don’t get along, the children carry on regardless because as long as they’re safe and can play they’re happy. They are resilient and robust and it’s one of the things I love about them. Their sheer joy of life, it’s hard to get down in their company. Give them a beach (in any weather) give them a play park, give them a space they can run and jump and stretch and shout in… and they’re happy. 

I will take some lessons from the children next holiday time. We will use our house as a base or we will go elsewhere on holidays. We won’t ever come down to Kent again unless we’re nowhere near this place. Nowhere near this family of mine, because a family that makes you feel like you’re not good enough is no family at all. 

Beach

We went to a soft play centre. Then we went to macdonalds drive thru and then the beach to eat. We walked in the cold, the wind rushing through our hair, ears stinging, waves crashing. Good for the soul. I like to be close to the elements, the ocean is my first true love. 

This parenting gig is hard. Particularly with depression and my own other mental health issues. Particularly when the children have special needs. Particularly when it’s a single parent gig. But days like today make it all worth it. 

We’re supposed to be on holiday. As usual when I’m at my mums I’m feeling down. We travelled yesterday, 6 and a half hours. Long day, I was so bushed. Nice to spend time with the kids and camp with them though. 

Unfortunately mum is a moaner. And it’s all she does. And it’s hard work. After all the drama on Monday (I’ll catch you up on that another day) I thought it’d be nice for me to be where i grew up. Turns out it’s no different. 

Still, I’ve got some plans made and we’ll be going out and about a bit. So that’s something. I’m glad we’re not stuck here in this place. 

I need to find some motivation as I’m lacking all of it. Some holiday…

Brain review 

I submitted a review of my brain over on Mindfump. You can read it here

The brain reviews as a series have been quite entertaining to read. Hopefully mine is too. 

Check it out

Sunday

My evening last night turned out somewhat better than I thought it was going to.

I text him in afternoon. I knew he wasn’t going to text me. But he seemed to want to talk. There were a couple of times he could’ve gone and he didn’t.. nor did I. So we texted for a couple hours. And he invited me round. For a brew, of course.

And how nice was it. To be held like he missed me. To be squeezed I’m not going to fall apart. To feel strong arms around me, listen to his heartbeat as I lay my head on his chest. Feel his desire. It was heady but I kept myself back as much as I could. Self preservation and all that. But oh! How good did it feel, briefly. Cuddles and a brew and – some company. I forgot about the horribleness of this weekend while I was there, it all seemed quite far away.

Just far enough that I could ignore it. It was a very nice evening for me. 

3 things

3 things happened this weekend.

1) superdad decided not to have the children and to be quite offensive and nasty about it when questioned. 

2) I couldn’t go visit the new baby my ex in laws have just had as their “proper” family wanted to go.

3) the 8 year old ran away

The first thing hurt my feelings. I was called a child that lacks the ability to understand anything – and also told my mental range is seriously lacking and diminished. That was extremely hurtful for me. It pained me, still does. Also changed every single one of my plans. I was planning on spending some time with my big boys this weekend as the small people and I are away next week. I haven’t been able to do that and it’s at someone else’s selfish whim. That makes me angry. 

The second thing hurt my already fragile feelings and made me cry. Because I have made such an effort. I have been to visit these ex in laws every week for ages. I have made sure to text them to make sure everything is ok and to ask if there’s anything they need in advance of us going to see them. I have spent weeks getting together baby outfits, an after birth care package for the new mum and presents for all of them. And to be told I’m not as important as this family that just turns up… it was a bit of a blow. Unfortunate. I’ve made the effort even when my mental health has been less ham desirable. The gifts and the big bunch of flowers I got for them have been delivered by the ex mother in law and I think the children and I may be going up tomorrow. Maybe. We will see. Tomorrow was my day for packing and shopping for my trip so I don’t know. I’m going to have to reevaluate my whole plan to try and fit stuff in. 

The third thing brought on more waterworks and a general feeling of defeat. Because this whole single parent gig is hard. And it’s not just hard sometimes, it’s hard all the time. I don’t have the emotional fronts to deal with it this weekend. I’ve been bruised and battered from can to can’t and I’m worn out. I can’t keep doing it. 

I needed a break this weekend and originally I was to get 2 nights off. Not the days, just the nights, 5pm Saturday to 10am Monday. Instead I’ve got nothing. And I’ve been reminded just how little I mean to anyone that is local to me. No one gives a shit. That’s not self pity, that’s the truth. It’s not a new truth but it’s one I try to avoid. Seems like I have no choice now. 

And he still hasn’t text me. I knew he wouldn’t. But I still hoped. 

I could happily sleep right now and never wake up. If only. 

Reflection

When I first started this blog I had all sorts of things going on. My whole situation is much better now and in general I’m more self confident than before. 

Although I still suffer anxiety and panic attacks, the depression is probably better managed, even if it’s because I accept it more as a part of me now. But I used to try and describe the feelings. I would call my dark days the doldrums and I would describe how it felt to be in them. 

When I moved over to this new theme, I saved all my old posts in a private post just for me and I just recently discovered them again. I’m making my way through them. I’ve been blogging for 3 years now and my style is certainly different. 

See what you think:

Today has been a real rollercoaster. It’s definitely not been ordinary. The doldrums took over. My little boat was rocked and rolled, got a hole in it, sank, and I had to swim. Scary stuff, and dark days like this don’t happen often. But I’m much better off with days like this than anxious days. If there’s no irrational fear-laden panic attack in sight then I’m ok and I know I can keep going. The anxious days are bad. They make no sense and I spend my time with this huge knot of fear in my stomach. Do you remember when you were a kid and you were scared of your parents telling you off? Or of getting found out ’cause you nicked the last icecream? Sheer dread. Pure fear. Horrible feeling. And it leeches into everything. Everyone becomes someone to be afraid of. “What if”s abound and there’s nothing else to do but wait for it to pass and try not to entertain the madness. And it is a madness. When it’s over, or on ‘normal’ days, you can look at the thoughts you had and just laugh because they’re so very crazy and irrational. It’s difficult. And it’s not just the one anxiety attack. The day after is to be feared too. What if you wake up feeling the same way? Maybe it won’t be a new day; maybe you just won’t sleep for the worry and you’ll spend all night going round and round in circles.. and get up in the same mood. Maybe it’ll never end. Maybe this is it, and your brain has finally tripped out and you won’t come out of it. What if this is it? Forever? I’ll tell you now, it is terrifying not being in control of your thoughts. And being scared of your own thoughts. Absolutely terrifying

The worst thing

The worst thing that could happen has. He messaged me on Valentines. Not to wish me a happy one; to ask if the slightly veiled threat in the card he received was from me. It was; I crowdwished it back in December when we were getting along. Here it is:


Slightly creepy to receive from someone you’ve not spoken to in weeks and didn’t think you’d hear from again, I imagine.

So, rest assured, completely unintentional and old news. Apology issued. But he asks me how I am; how are the kids, how are we all? So we talk – briefly. He says he never stopped liking me. I say it’s a shame we couldn’t get along. He says if I ever want a chat to message him. I say you too. That’s that. 

And then the next day.. I see an author he particularly likes is bringing out a book to do with a specific subject in this trilogy he’s a fan of. And how exciting it is! I’m excited for it – and I link him the article. He responds. It was, again, brief.

But now I’m back to thinking about him. And my heart is broken, still. And I’m wondering and wanting and trying NOT to. 

And all I want is for him to message me or even just think of me.. but I know he won’t. 

So the worst has happened. And I’m back to square one. 

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