I can’t seem to pull up out of this one. I’m stuck again. 

Took my baby to nursery yesterday. He’s not a baby anymore. 3 years old and went off without a hitch. I felt like my right arm had been cut off. I had the other kids with me and we went and did other things. But how can you function with a massive part of you taken away? When I came to pick him up… well that was the hitch. He had a huge meltdown. Huge. The shock on the workers faces was pretty priceless. He’d been an angel. Then mama turns up and so does Hyde, apparently. 

People say ‘it’ll do you good’ and ‘what will you do with all the free time?’ And actually what it feels like I will do is die a little inside every time he leaves me and one day he will not inhabit my heart anymore he will be completely outside of it and then what I’ll do is just curl up and hide. Because the best part of me will be out there, being himself. And that’s great and good and so much the better for him and if he goes without a hitch I’ve done my job well, but what of me? What’s left? My baby heart, the last person to know what my heartbeat sounds like from the inside. He will be gone. And I’ll be as alone as I’ve ever been before. I haven’t been so alone since I was 15. And I wasn’t as alone as I am now, then. So I’ll be as alone as I’ve never been. I’m not sure what I’ll become then. 

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