A rough start to the new year. I’m not sure why. Mostly the 7 year old has been losing his sh*t on a daily basis and that makes everything harder. Trying to stop the kids from going down like dominoes when he’s off on one is tiring. It’s been a few days of kindness and just being together – I’ve read some books, we’ve all chipped into the housework and mostly it’s been okay. Rough, but okay. 

Mentally it has been a hard few days. I tried the being kind to myself business. I thought maybe if I don’t put any pressures on myself I won’t feel so bad when I fail them. Doesn’t work, I feel bad regardless. And I fail regardless. I think I have come down so hard because I wasn’t prepared. I knew I would go down (don’t I always) but I just.. I don’t know. It’s hard to know how hard it will hit sometimes. I’ve been railing against my own thoughts for the past 3 days. Trying to convince myself to stick around. Of course I will, but I don’t want to. I have no desire to sit through more of any of this whatsoever, maybe if I admit it here I’ll start to feel better. 

I really tried so hard on the first day of the new year. I cheered up a crying toddler in the supermarket by pulling faces at her until she stopped crying. I drove home and turned my car around to help people that were struggling at the side of the road. (They were gone by the time I got there). And then the boy kicked off. And it all felt like nothing was worth anything, ever again. And it still feels like that. 

It’s the 4th of January and it’s just awful. I’d like another brain now please – one where the chemicals work properly. And while you’re at it, imaginary person that I’m talking to that will fix my imbalances – give the kids some neurotypicalness too will you? That would be good. 

I didn’t set resolutions because what’s the point? But I will see my family and my friends more this year. I will make the effort for them. And hopefully it will make things brighter. I need something; maybe it’s the love of people that understand me better. 

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