I’m pissed off. I’m often pissed off, but usually at small things, family events, world stuff, things I cannot change or do anything about. My house; I’m always pissed off at something in the state of my house, maybe something someone has said to me and my response not being what I wanted, that sort of thing. But rarely am I pissed off AT someone. I don’t hold it. I get pissed off and it’s over usually quite quickly, a flash in the pan, a surge of temper, a blown fuse.
But today I am pissed off. At an actual person. I have been pissed off with said person for a couple days. Because there’s no need for rudeness is there. A conversation can be a difficult thing with said person, it can be strained and hard to keep the chat going when that person doesn’t want to communicate. I understand. But there’s no need for rudeness. I understand that I get in the way, said person thinks I’m a pain in the arse, probably somewhat unreasonable because I like attention, also clingy – maybe wanting too much in the way of his time. And he doesn’t want to give it. I should be happy to be graced with his presence maybe once a week, when he decides it’s time to want to see me. I should be grateful for his attention, his thought, his demeanour toward me. But I’m not. I’m pissed off. Actually, I’m really pissed off. I’m low level boiling. How dare you be so rude to me. For no reason at all? I asked questions in the interest of keeping a conversation going and talking to you is like getting blood out of a stone – it’s impossible. Information isn’t volunteered, answers aren’t responded to, it’s cold, it’s flat, it’s hard. But I try.
Every day I’ve tried. Some days it works – and here’s the pattern – they’re the days you want to see me, or arrange to see me. I’m worth your time, when there’s something to be had from it. I know this. I put up with this. I didn’t mind, much. I was okay with being kept a secret, not being spoken to, or seen unless you were in *that* mood. I was okay with you basically telling me that I wasn’t what you wanted but you didn’t have any other options so I’ll do. I was okay with you seeing your ex wife once a week for an evenings entertainment. I wondered if you still love her. I think you do, and I was even okay with that. I defied the advice of every single person I know. My mother even advised me to give you up and she’s a trier too, she knew exactly where I was coming from.
But you gave it up yourself in the end. It was a “normal” conversation. You took it to the ends of rudeness. For no reason at all. And it’s funny. Because I can put up with being treated like crap. I can deal with no apologies, no sorrys, no are you okay, I can deal with “is that aimed at me?” I can deal with all that. But being rude? I am a WOMAN. I deserve respect. I will not put up with being spoken to and ignored like that. I don’t do it to other people. There is a line. It doesn’t happen. So after so many straws. And so much time. And so much forgiveness from me to you – I’m done. I’m finally done. It doesn’t do to piss me off. I can’t abide bad manners.