I upset him again. I’m sure he would say I’m perfectly unreasonable but at this point we know better don’t we.. yes, I am perfectly unreasonable but I’m also perfectly reasonable too. I consider my role. I measure my responses. I try, and I try hard, not to hurt others feelings. This is how I live. If you’re important to me, I show you. I treat others how I wish to be treated. This includes little gifts in the post, occasions marked and planned for, wanting more than nothing gets. I try. I may not be the best person around, and yes, I have a little bit of crazy thrown in. But all the best people do, don’t you know.
So we conversed. The air didn’t get any clearer but he wanted to move past it – clearly, as all attempts to discuss it were left with no response. But I carried on, needlessly perhaps but still, onwards.
He said that I said he was treating me badly and that he actually wasn’t. I suggested that it may not have been bad treatment but it was certainly indifferent. He said it’s not indifference, its forgetfulness. I said forgetfulness implies that someone isn’t important enough to remember. He says no, I’m wrong, he disagrees.
In my world if you care for someone you show them. If you think of someone you show them. You can show someone they are important to you in a million little ways. You can text them “thus made me think of you”. You can call them. You can message, text, tag, call, reference them in a hundred different ways. If you want someone to get closer you let them in, you bring them in, you open up. I do wear my heart on my sleeve and in this I admit I was wrong – to start with I held my heart on my sleeve. But as time went on I held it back from him. I tried to cover it up. Because he had hurt me before (it was over and then came are you my boyfriend, and then again came the indifference) and I wasn’t up for being hurt any more. And even though he was ‘upfront’ (his words), since then this feeling, this not feeling good enough – this feeling of not being what someone wants but something they are left with – this feeling of being a leftover prize in a raffle – it’s been there in my head like an ugly, festering growth. It feeds my fears and worries of being left behind. So I’m still questioning everything. And he doesn’t like that. It’s hard to talk. It was never easy, but now, it’s difficult. I’m sure it wouldn’t get any better if we were to see each other, it would sit between us like a stone. The elephant in the room.
And so, to the question. Why, indeed is he still talking to me? And as simply as that it was over. The point of no return. He agreed with my question – why, indeed? – and promptly blocked me. I said my goodbye on a different social media platform, (good luck, could never have been, hope you’ll be happy) and then he blocked me there too. He got the last word by that action.
I have however make sure that my link to this blog is now in my profile on said social media – so if he ever feels the need to look me up (which I highly doubt) he will be able to pop in and see just how a dramatic and flawed creature I am, and as you all know me to be. And what a near miss he had.