Mental, mardy, but a little bit marvellous..


January 2017


I upset him again. I’m sure he would say I’m perfectly unreasonable but at this point we know better don’t we.. yes, I am perfectly unreasonable but I’m also perfectly reasonable too. I consider my role. I measure my responses. I try, and I try hard, not to hurt others feelings. This is how I live. If you’re important to me, I show you. I treat others how I wish to be treated. This includes little gifts in the post, occasions marked and planned for, wanting more than nothing gets. I try. I may not be the best person around, and yes, I have a little bit of crazy thrown in. But all the best people do, don’t you know. 

So we conversed. The air didn’t get any clearer but he wanted to move past it – clearly, as all attempts to discuss it were left with no response. But I carried on, needlessly perhaps but still, onwards. 

He said that I said he was treating me badly and that he actually wasn’t. I suggested that it may not have been bad treatment but it was certainly indifferent. He said it’s not indifference, its forgetfulness. I said forgetfulness implies that someone isn’t important enough to remember. He says no, I’m wrong, he disagrees. 

In my world if you care for someone you show them. If you think of someone you show them.  You can show someone they are important to you in a million little ways. You can text them “thus made me think of you”. You can call them. You can message, text, tag, call, reference them in a hundred different ways. If you want someone to get closer you let them in, you bring them in, you open up. I do wear my heart on my sleeve and in this I admit I was wrong – to start with I held my heart on my sleeve. But as time went on I held it back from him. I tried to cover it up. Because he had hurt me before (it was over and then came are you my boyfriend, and then again came the indifference) and I wasn’t up for being hurt any more. And even though he was ‘upfront’ (his words), since then this feeling, this not feeling good enough – this feeling of not being what someone wants but something they are left with – this feeling of being a leftover prize in a raffle – it’s been there in my head like an ugly, festering growth. It feeds  my fears and worries of being left behind. So I’m still questioning everything. And he doesn’t like that. It’s hard to talk. It was never easy, but now, it’s difficult. I’m sure it wouldn’t get any better if we were to see each other, it would sit between us like a stone. The elephant in the room. 

And so, to the question. Why, indeed is he still talking to me? And as simply as that it was over. The point of no return. He agreed with my question – why, indeed? – and promptly blocked me. I said my goodbye on a different social media platform, (good luck, could never have been, hope you’ll be happy) and then he blocked me there too. He got the last word by that action. 

I have however make sure that my link to this blog is now in my profile on said social media – so if he ever feels the need to look me up (which I highly doubt) he will be able to pop in and see just how a dramatic and flawed creature I am, and as you all know me to be. And what a near miss he had. 

Pissed off. At last!

I’m pissed off. I’m often pissed off, but usually at small things, family events, world stuff, things I cannot change or do anything about. My house; I’m always pissed off at something in the state of my house, maybe something someone has said to me and my response not being what I wanted, that sort of thing. But rarely am I pissed off AT someone. I don’t hold it. I get pissed off and it’s over usually quite quickly, a flash in the pan, a surge of temper, a blown fuse. 

But today I am pissed off. At an actual person. I have been pissed off with said person for a couple days. Because there’s no need for rudeness is there. A conversation can be a difficult thing with said person, it can be strained and hard to keep the chat going when that person doesn’t want to communicate. I understand. But there’s no need for rudeness. I understand that I get in the way, said person thinks I’m a pain in the arse, probably somewhat unreasonable because I like attention, also clingy – maybe wanting too much in the way of his time. And he doesn’t want to give it. I should be happy to be graced with his presence maybe once a week, when he decides it’s time to want to see me. I should be grateful for his attention, his thought, his demeanour toward me. But I’m not. I’m pissed off. Actually, I’m really pissed off. I’m low level boiling. How dare you be so rude to me. For no reason at all? I asked questions in the interest of keeping a conversation going and talking to you is like getting blood out of a stone – it’s impossible. Information isn’t volunteered, answers aren’t responded to, it’s cold, it’s flat, it’s hard. But I try. 

Every day I’ve tried. Some days it works – and here’s the pattern – they’re the days you want to see me, or arrange to see me. I’m worth your time, when there’s something to be had from it. I know this. I put up with this. I didn’t mind, much. I was okay with being kept a secret, not being spoken to, or seen unless you were in *that* mood. I was okay with you basically telling me that I wasn’t what you wanted but you didn’t have any other options so I’ll do. I was okay with you seeing your ex wife once a week for an evenings entertainment. I wondered if you still love her. I think you do, and I was even okay with that. I defied the advice of every single person I know. My mother even advised me to give you up and she’s a trier too, she knew exactly where I was coming from. 

But you gave it up yourself in the end. It was a “normal” conversation. You took it to the ends of rudeness. For no reason at all. And it’s funny. Because I can put up with being treated like crap. I can deal with no apologies, no sorrys, no are you okay, I can deal with “is that aimed at me?” I can deal with all that. But being rude? I am a WOMAN. I deserve respect. I will not put up with being spoken to and ignored like that. I don’t do it to other people. There is a line. It doesn’t happen. So after so many straws. And so much time. And so much forgiveness from me to you – I’m done. I’m finally done. It doesn’t do to piss me off. I can’t abide bad manners. 

I got featured on a poetry blog today! Hurrah!

And it’s off again

But for good this time. Because when someone can’t answer a simple yes or no question with a simple yes or no answer, what choice are you left with?

In this case, the question was “am I your girlfriend?” And the answer was “why do you ask?” 

The next answer was “I honestly don’t know ” and then later on I was blasted for “assuming his intentions.”

Well now, let’s get one thing straight. I never assumed anything; this is why I asked the question in the first place. And if someone says that you’re not their girlfriend and they don’t want anything serious, but they enjoy your company, if that’s not enough then sorry, how is it wrong to “assume” that actually what they are enjoying is the no strings sex they’ve managed to sort themselves out with? Sex and cuddles every weekend and no emotional attachment needed the rest of the time? Every blokes perfect relationship, right? Of course, he called it a relationship but if you can’t label the sort of relationship it IS then you need to either take a long look at yourself or IT. I have a relationship with my vibrator but I don’t feel the need to call it my boyfriend. And there I guess, is the crux of the whole thing. He enjoyed my company but didn’t feel the need to call me his girlfriend. And when I called him out on it? Well that signalled the end. 

He got huffy because I said I wasn’t going to continue a no strings sexual relationship. And he said we shouldn’t see each other anymore. I said it was his loss anyway, I love harder than anyone. He probably won’t miss me; I wasn’t more than a regular shag but I had to say it. I am a good person, I am a good person to love and if you can’t recognise that, then that’s your loss. I was willing to give my heart but he didn’t want that. 

It’s hard to know you’re not good enough for someone. That something you would’ve fought for wasn’t worth a damn. But there was an inkling that it wasn’t even on both sides and I guess that’s why I asked. Self protection before I got my heart broke – again. It’s only a few cracks, it’ll fix right up. I hope. 

My heart is in 6 parts and it’s carried safe outside my body by the only people that really matter.

I’ve been made a fool of, again. 

I’m tired

It’s 10am here and I just got back into my bed. I’m tired. 

I got 5 children up and out the door and dropped off at respective schools on time, fuel in the car, money worrying at me, driving in traffic. I’m pretty tired.

It’s been a long morning, night, day, week. I’m tired.

My cat comes to me for loves and she purrs her sweet cuddles in my ear. And I’m tired.

I might have to go out again soon, I don’t know how long I’ve got free time for. I shouldn’t have got back into bed. But I’m tired. 

Im so tired. I’ve not the energy, drive, motivation to be me for longer than it takes a child to need me and turn away. When their backs are turned the shell takes over and I slump, grey faced and empty, tired. 

Always so tired. Too tired even to look for an exit. Sadness seeps into my bones and I feel an oddness. Does the sadness come from me or from outside, am I the owner of it or just the bearer? Is it attracted to me? Does my emptiness attract something – anything – to fill it. I hope not but I have no defences against it. I’m so very tired now. I just wish I could sleep.


Down down down

I can’t seem to pull up out of this one. I’m stuck again. 

Took my baby to nursery yesterday. He’s not a baby anymore. 3 years old and went off without a hitch. I felt like my right arm had been cut off. I had the other kids with me and we went and did other things. But how can you function with a massive part of you taken away? When I came to pick him up… well that was the hitch. He had a huge meltdown. Huge. The shock on the workers faces was pretty priceless. He’d been an angel. Then mama turns up and so does Hyde, apparently. 

People say ‘it’ll do you good’ and ‘what will you do with all the free time?’ And actually what it feels like I will do is die a little inside every time he leaves me and one day he will not inhabit my heart anymore he will be completely outside of it and then what I’ll do is just curl up and hide. Because the best part of me will be out there, being himself. And that’s great and good and so much the better for him and if he goes without a hitch I’ve done my job well, but what of me? What’s left? My baby heart, the last person to know what my heartbeat sounds like from the inside. He will be gone. And I’ll be as alone as I’ve ever been before. I haven’t been so alone since I was 15. And I wasn’t as alone as I am now, then. So I’ll be as alone as I’ve never been. I’m not sure what I’ll become then. 

It’s been rough

A rough start to the new year. I’m not sure why. Mostly the 7 year old has been losing his sh*t on a daily basis and that makes everything harder. Trying to stop the kids from going down like dominoes when he’s off on one is tiring. It’s been a few days of kindness and just being together – I’ve read some books, we’ve all chipped into the housework and mostly it’s been okay. Rough, but okay. 

Mentally rough and tough… a hard few days. I tried the being kind to myself business. I thought maybe if I don’t put any pressures on myself I won’t feel so bad when I fail them. Doesn’t work, I feel bad regardless. And I fail regardless. I think I have come down so hard because I wasn’t prepared. I knew I would go down (don’t I always) but I just.. I don’t know. It’s hard to know how hard it will hit sometimes. I’ve been railing against my own thoughts for the past 3 days. Trying to convince myself to stick around. Of course I will, but I don’t want to. I have no desire to sit through more of any of this whatsoever, maybe if I admit it here I’ll start to feel better. 

I really tried so hard on the first day of the new year. I cheered up a crying toddler in the supermarket by pulling faces at her until she stopped crying. I drove home and turned my car around to help people that were struggling at the side of the road. (They were gone by the time I got there). And then the boy kicked off. And it all felt like nothing was worth anything, ever again. And it still feels like that. 

It’s the 4th of January and it’s just awful. I’d like another brain now please – one where the chemicals work properly. And while you’re at it, imaginary person that I’m talking to that will fix my imbalances – give the kids some neurotypicalness too will you? That would be good. 

I didn’t set resolutions because what’s the point? But I will see my family and my friends more this year. I will make the effort for them. And hopefully it will make things brighter. I need something; maybe it’s the love of people that understand me better. 

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