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sixymama

Mental, mardy, but a little bit marvellous..

Month

December 2016

Merry Christmas!

Yeah, I know, it’s late. I was busy!

The smalls and I had a good Christmas Eve and a good Christmas Day. Festive cheer was abundant and it was quite lovely all round. 

They have been to their dads and got home today. The house breathed a big sigh of relief once it was full of people again. That’s always a nice feeling. 

This time of year is always a rough one but I reckon drinking and listening to music has kept those thoughts at bay pretty good. I’ve had maybe one real crashingly down time in about 4 days so that’s great going for me! Fully expecting it to come again over the next few days though, just in time for the new year…

Im not being facetious either, I honestly believe that. But until it does I shall continue eating, drinking and being merry. And I shall wish you, a very merry Christmas and a happy new year too. 

It’s up in the air again

..and isn’t that festive? 

He apologised, I accepted, were back on – of sorts – and although it’s not marvellous it could be right? It could be ok. It could also not be. 

But hey, who am I to hold back? This is me and I’m nothing if I’m not my everything. I AM all or nothing and if he wants me he can have all of me or none of me. I expect no less in return. 

As I get older I get less patient, less inclined to put up with certain behaviours that years ago I’d have made excuses for: not now. One thing this year did for me was teach me to say no more. Not for me, not over me, not at me. I will not accept less than I deserve. 

I’m a woman and I carry my demons with me. They are my survival, and my trophy. I beat them, I carry them, I sometimes get dragged down by them. But I own them. They don’t own me. And neither will any man. 

Christmas 

It’s nearly here and I can’t remember ever feeling this seasonless. Less than festive, less than seasonal, less than everything. Less myself. Just less. 

I don’t want Christmas to be in a few days, I don’t even want to wake up in a few days. I just want to sleep.

I’m under the weather today and I don’t know if it’s stress or the weather or my mood or what. My face hurts to touch, my bones ache, my joints feel so OLD and I’m just much less everything than normal. 

Less cheer, less mirth, less kindness, less self care, less.. everything. Less EVERYTHING.

And I don’t think there’s any more to give. 

Tick tock

Went the clock and all my time was up.

It didn’t work out with that someone I met. It was decidedly less than marvellous. 

I asked too much of him apparently. Asking too much in this case is asking to see someone more than once a week and having daily contact in the form of text messages. I was confrontational at the end. I ended it. I felt forced to end it, it was accept being treated badly or end it. So it’s over.

I should be proud that I stood up for myself and put an end to those feelings of worthlessness. But I don’t. I still feel worthless; now I’m just single and worthless. 

I didn’t let someone continue treating me badly and making me feel used. And I feel awful for it. Go figure. 

Missing drafts

I got them back! And they’re there, and whole and it feels like those little pieces of my brain are back again. Not here but somewhere, tangible. That’s a smile right there. 

It’s been a week

And I’m not sure it was a good one. A week since I got my new phone. I lost all my drafts with my old WordPress app and I’m pretty disappointed; there was a lot of work there that’s now gone, and won’t be recovered. That’s the problem with saving in an app I guess; it doesn’t save in your website too. Damnit.

So, I’ve made some progress. I drove a 600 mile round trip with the 4 smallest this week. That was quite an achievement. I got my new tattoo, the one I’ve been promising myself for what feels like forever. I’ve made plans and self analysed and second guessed and been paranoid and held an anxiety attack at bay and had a proper panic attack but only halfway and I died inside a few times. I wished I had the strength to not exist anymore but that would let even more people down than I do by existing so I guess I’m good for something.  I’m still here. 

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