Mental, mardy, but a little bit marvellous..


October 2016

I guess we should catch up 

I mean, really catch up, how are you? How have you been? Have you been on this emotional roller coaster the last few years or was I all alone? 

Pond and I split up a good while ago as you know. It was less a wrench than a gentle pottering off.. thanks to the relationship ending three years ago. I urge you people to please don’t fall into a trap of getting back together with someone just because they smile at you. They haven’t changed they just want what you’ve got. And you haven’t got it if they’re with you. You have it, alone. Not with. Don’t do it. It takes too long to clear up the fallout, and it takes too long to explain. Just don’t do it.

The children. Well, those 6 hearts that walk around permanently outside my body and vulnerable are doing okay. They’re all on their own journeys of course but they’re doing okay. They love their mama – and of course this is reciprocated to the moon and back and – I think they know that. Just so.

Schools – let’s not even. Social workers and CAF meetings and PRUs and half way meetings and meetings about meetings. It’s just one thing after another after ten other things. 

Pets. Sid the moustachioed pussycat has settled in nicely. Auto correct changed that to ‘sod’ then and it’s terribly apt! The dog is the same as ever (don’t have the windows open around him) and the big girl cats are as beautiful as they ever were. They’re happy.

Mental health. Well now. It’s up and down and sideways just as always. It’s a ride on a high speed motorcycle, weaving in and out of traffic. It’s a walk through a river of mud, wading until your legs don’t work and your body can’t hold you up and all you can do is stand, and wait. It’s a sleep through a perfectly sunny afternoon, regretting what you missed. It’s a good book in a cosy chair by a warm fire. It’s all the good things and all the bad, scrunched up tight and smoothed out again. It’s me, and without those lines, without those rumpled and scrunched up bits… Without all those marks and times and messes. It wouldn’t be me.


A down day

It’s a bad patch. I think. I’ve been off my pill 3 days. I ran out and the chemist takes 3 days to order/receive from the doctor, I have taken one and will take another at bedtime. Hopefully my levels start to rise sooner rather than later. Because I’m *off* I’m so, so off. Yesterday was a bad day. Today is worse. 

I’m down. And I feel out and I’m not even resisting very well. I’m a little patch. A puddle. The universe goes on around me, life carries on and although I desperately wish I wasn’t, I’m still here, existing. Not much more than that. And when the exit sign glows so strongly it’s more of a regret that I stay. 

I have recently discovered the poetry of Neil Hilborn. When he speaks something inside me grows. It wakes and breathes and comes alive. I exist to listen. It’s a heady feeling. To feel when you thought you were numb. I would like to feel more than this sadness. It fills me and it makes the egress glow so bright. 

I’m not going anywhere. But knowing there is someone (several someones if you follow Button Poetry) helps. It’s a small help, and in a small way that makes it better. I’m not all alone I guess. 

A look back

I look back on some posts I made. And I can see the shine on them. Its kind of fake – I was practically rubbing them like a magic lamp, like if I shine it enough it will be okay. There’s a hint of desperation in ALL the positives that were listed, that got shoved in to brighten up an otherwise dull and dreary sentence. I look back and i remember how it felt. And it wasn’t good. But where it wasn’t good, it wasn’t so much bad either, I dont know. I guess it’s a benefit of hindsight and the objectiveness that comes with being so far removed from it. It’s a strange feeling, and I’m not sure I like it.

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