Seen in my Facebook feed, this brilliant idea. A guy decided to make pictures of all the funny, strange, absurd things he says to his children. And then he turned it into a book!

Made me think. What if I wrote down the silly things that we say in this family. I’m pretty sure I couldn’t make it up, or indeed make it into a book but it might be funny. Or just plain disgusting.

Walking smalls to school with Pond – “Move. I’m bigger.” To teenage girls in the middle of the street.

Upon waking, Boom boom checks under his pillow to see if the tooth fairy has been. She hasn’t, I forgot. I told him it was because he’d stayed up too late the night before and if he wasn’t asleep by 9pm then she’d not come. Little fairy didn’t come the next night either, and in our house there is a rule – if the tooth fairy hasn’t been while your tooth is under your pillow 2 nights in a row, your teeth aren’t clean enough and you’ve been up too late.

“Do not put your hands in your bum. Do not smell your hands. No smelling! Yuk. Go and wash them. No smelling them!”

“We don’t strangle the dog! Put him down. Gently.”

Daddy – “I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny”

Daughter – “but you do believe in chocolate”

Pond to me “did your son really just do The Hulk at me?!”

Everyone at several points to Boom boom and Toria – “Don’t lick me.”

“Why? (Licking away)”

“Because it’s weird”.

“Stop sucking your arms!”

Every morning – to every child:

Me “did you brush your teeth?”

Child “yes”

Me ” go do it again”

On farting:

“You’re not allowed to fart while I’m changing your bum”

“don’t come sit next to me just to fart!”

“don’t come sit next to me just to pop!” (Loud protestations of innocence and sneaky giggling…)

“did you do a pop?” Uncontrollable 6 year old laughter…

“aww that’s a nice cuddle, I love you too. *sniffs* did you pop? ” Uncontrollable 4 year old laughter…

Sniffing the air. “What’s that. Who was that? That’s a fart. Who farted.” Getting up, walking around sniffing. “That’s not person fart, a person couldn’t smell that bad. Eww. It’s not dog fart, that’s dog poo. Has the dog poo’d again? Where’s it coming from?” Wandering around the house for 5 minutes, checking under tables, in the hallway and other rooms only to come back to laughter from both teenagers. It was one of them.

If you’re naughty in the run up to Christmas, Santa Claus will turn your stocking presents into sprouts one by one. One for each incident. There are usually 2 or 3 sprouts in each stocking.

“You’re a wally. What are you?”

“A wally”

Said regularly in a house with 4 boys, variations on the theme of:

“Take your hands out of your pants.”

“Don’t adjust in public.”

“Don’t walk around with your hands in your pants.

“I don’t care if you’re itchy take your hands out your pants”

“Leave your dink alone”

“No one wants to see your dink”

“Dinkys go in nappies”

“Put your dink away.. Please?”