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sixymama

Mental, mardy, but a little bit marvellous..

Lonely

I’m so lonely. I wish there was someone that got it. That gets it. That wants to talk to me and giggle together. I’ve got no one. I’m lonelier than ever. I don’t know how to fix this. 

That Friday feeling can go fuck itself

It’s all gone to shit. I don’t know why or what I’ve done. Yesterday was horrendous, today has been worse. Soon as the kids get home BOOM! It just kicks off and I’m in no place to deal with it. 

The sadness has overtaken me today. I’ve been down and empty, melancholy, morose… putting a face on it as usual but I expect some of the children have noticed a little bit. The older ones certainly seem to have noticed. It’s been like this for days, I keep trying and slowly it builds up. Clearly I’m off as everyone else is kicking off and I think it feeds into the atmosphere like gas. 

I had to worry about food today for the first time in some time.. I went shopping, took my penny jar and got an extra £11 to spend. £30 total for 7 people for 3 days. It’s just about doable if I’m clever. I got back to bedlam. Everyone kicking off so I thought the easiest thing to do would be to send them to their rooms or to bed and everyone could cool off and take some time to chill out and it would get better.. calmer. Easier.

Not so. They kicked off all the more, the 11 year old turned into an utter psycho and it’s taken 3 hours to calm down. I had to call superdad in the end. He spoke to her and she went upstairs of her own volition and sat on her bed. Muttering, but quiet. So that’s something at least. After shes attacked me and her brother and had to be carried up there 3 times. And shut in. And escaped and had to go back… eventually she did as her dad asked. So. It’s quiet for now. I’ll go get her once the others are asleep. 

The 15 year old lost his shit and he’s a big lad so it’s a lot of shit to lose. He’s calm now. It’s much better. We’ve had hugs. 

Everyone will be having cereal or noodles for dinner and that will be it for my day. It’s been utterly utterly awful. 

Sadness and ladies week and loneliness and a brain that doesn’t work and my stupid stupid head. It doesn’t make for a fun day. The last few days have been bad but I’ve been trying to hard to be kind to myself and not put too much pressure on me or anyone else. It’s not worked at all. It’s been crap and I think it will only get worse.

I’m watching Doctor Who and sat under a blanket. I need hugs and someone to hold me and tell me it will all be okay. 

I wish… I wish… I wish. 

Sick kid

I’m awake. It’s half past 2am and it’s no surprise, I’m usually awake at this time but it tends to be me on my own. Tonight the little one is awake too and quite upset. He’s sick. So we’re waiting on him being sick again. Poor little man.

 He was sick again. It’s 3am. He didn’t like it so held it in and swallowed it. I guess he’s more like superdad than I thought, he does the exact same thing. Abey is sleeping okay now though, a much better deeper sleep so hopefully that’s him for the night now.

Toria woke up because she had a nightmare. So we had a discussion about how she doesn’t like dinosaurs because they give her nightmares but if she tells them to go away in her dream they will come out into the real world and eat us all up. Also discussed My Little Pony and Noghtmare Moon and Equestrian and Ponyville. And how Toria loves them all and her friends which is very sweet but hey, she’s a sweet girl. Grandmas favourite after all. 

Tia the little foster doggy is curled up in my neck. Jack is sleeping one side of me, Abey the other. Toria is laying half on me wrapped in a blanket. They’re all sleeping peacefully. I’m perfectly surrounded. And it’s lovely. 

Some days

You ever get those days where you wake up and you have to push yourself to even get out of bed? Today was one of those. Started off with a weight on my chest. Got much better, then I slept and it started again. I’ve been so busy but doing what? Nothing quantifiable it seems, a bit of shopping, some tidying and cleaning, walking the dog, looking after a sick child.. stuff that adds up and makes you feel like you’ve not stopped when in reality you’ve stopped and sat four or five times but with so much stuff on your mind that it feels like you NEVER stopped at all. Weird.

I had a productive day financially, all bills have been paid, now it’s just the rent to worry about for the month. The house is somewhat tidy, a half hour here or there will sort out what still needs doing and the daily stuff. My baby is sick and there’s nothing I can do about that except offer hugs and cool drinks. The foster doggy is happy, ish. We shan’t be keeping her because she doesn’t like the threenager – he’s noisy and she’s tiny – but there will be other dogs. It’s been a privelige having her to stay. The 8 year old stayed in school all day, and came home happy so that’s ALWAYS a good thing. 

And I’m… I don’t know. Not depressed. Not sick. Ladies week has turned up today so I guess that explains a few things. I don’t know. I’m feeling strange. Not up, not down, somewhere in between. But with a weight on my chest and a dread in my belly. I dont know why. I’m just… not happy. I’m quietly sad I guess. 

Hmm. Thinking stuff. 

Thinking stuff. Stuff. Like kid stuff and family stuff and *him* stuff and me stuff and worrying stuff and weather stuff and money stuff. Cat stuff. All the stuff. 

I’m going to try and sort it here. Bear with my muddling. 

Him. We are friends again. He apologised, I sent his birthday presents. It’s nice to know we are friends at least.

Kids. I’m so close to the end of my rope. Jack is a nightmare. He doesn’t sleep. He’s an utter arsehole. If he doesn’t get his own way he shouts and screams and tries to bully and beat up everyone. He has taught the 3 year old to say “fuck off” and “bitch”. So now I get that shouted at me from all quarters. It’s just awful. It’s an unfortunate effect of whatever it is that’s up with him. It’s a direct defiance of any authority, and a reward/punishment system just doesn’t work. I get no help and I’m kind of just feeling about in the dark. For anyone that says “smack him” or “take his stuff” it DOESNT WORK. Not only is smacking children horrible it just doesn’t work. All of my kids would spit in your eye and laugh in your face if you smacked them and then they’d do it right back. One thing they will not be is cowed. A hormonal 11 year old makes for some huffy moments pretty much every day. The joys.

Family stuff. My sister and I are in close contact and my brother and I too. We’re all pretty close because of mum – It feels weird but in a good way.

Worrying stuff. Money, mostly. The big pile of paperwork I’ve been putting off for months. How to make this months rent. (Clue: I’m not going to be able to). Kids (of course). Cats and dogs. Stuff I can’t control. 

Weather stuff. It’s too hot! 

Other stuff. Fostered a dog. Her name is Tia. Mini version of my old mate Cabbage. She’s lovely and beautiful. I want to keep her however I’m not sure she will fit. She keeps going for the 3 year old. Every time he comes near me. It’s a shame because she calms something in my soul. I’m allowed to keep her if I want – but should I?

I’m so tired of everything just now. I need a break from life. 

Wednesdays 

Aren’t that bad really are they. Aside from the grumpy children and the early mornings catching up with everyone.

Today has been a good day by the general scale of things. 

Had the day with my 11 year old. She got a mental health day today. Sometimes we all need those. We went shopping first thing, came home, spent some time together, had naps then the gardener came round. He’s still working now, for the equivalent of about £25 an hour. But it’s worth it, both my gardens are massive and there’s hedges all the way round. It was like a jungle. He’ll be done soon and we’ll have a lovely garden.

The 8 year old has been back from school an hour and has needed to be restrained already. He’s in my bed now though, hopefully I can keep him calm. I heard a better term than special needs lately which I appreciate much better – it’s “additional needs” and I think it works much better especially in regards to Jack. His needs aren’t special, they’re just him. Additional to others. I like it. 

Onwards and forwards. I’ll update later once they’re in bed. For now… it’s going okay. 

The evening was good. Having a less structured evening is working for us at the minute. So long as I don’t put too many restrictions in place and remain fluid with expectations we’re doing okay. We don’t have “bedtimes” as such but I try to get us all into bed by about half 9, 10. The kids lounge about until they fall asleep of their own accord which is nice. Then I go off (if I can). I took sleeping pills because I needed the rest that comes with. It was a content night, happy kids makes for a content mama. 

Sunday blues and blacks and…

It’s worn off. Whatever I’ve been using to get me through this week/weekend/forever has slowly died away today.

I had a good night sleeping and curling around my babies. It was a bit like swap the bed with the three of them at one point but they and I slept pretty well. The usual 3 hour blocks but nothing wrong with that if it works.

Got up first thing, set up Abey with my phone and Netflix at 6am and he went back to sleep. I got up at 8.30 and cleaned up while everyone slept. Jack got up at 9, got cosy on the couch and went straight back to sleep. No one else got up until 11; it was just Abraham and I. Cleaning and tidying and it was rather nice really.

I caught up with all the laundry, (no mean feat), the bedrooms were swept and tidied and the bathrooms clean. Washing in off the line, shopping for a new airer and some carpet fresheners and we were back for taking my oldests girlfriend home by 2. Did that, took some smalls along for the ride, home, more laundry, more sweeping, more tidying and dinner by 4. Pizza, because Sunday and getting tired now.

All the children have been bathed and hair washed, I’ve sorted all their stuff out for school tomorrow, all I need to do is find one of Jacks shoes. I’ve been looking all day and I can’t find them but I’m hoping there’s a spare pair somewhere for him. I doubt it but needs must. None of the shops are open and I doubt I’ll get a pair before 7.30 in the morning. 

I’m sat down for the first time today. And I can feel the black cloud coming. Its started with me trying to apologise to him. I messaged him on Facebook as I deleted his numbers and stuff. Clearly he’s not accepting messages from me. It’s fine, I just said sorry I called him an asshole. I didn’t say that I don’t usually resort to name calling but I was angry, maybe I should have. It’s not me, you know? I don’t do that. I don’t really do angry. Of course he’ll never get the message and that’s okay. It’s fine but I’m not sure I’m happy with someone’s last impression of me being of me calling them names. I’m sure I’ve got it all twisted but that’s how it feels. Not quite right. But I’m sure if he’d wanted to make it up he’d have replied and he left it which maybe was the best thing for all of us. I don’t know. If he ever reads this know this: I’m sorry. 

I don’t know if this is a reasonable feeling or if it’s the return of my anxiety or just the general malaise or what. I dont know. 

I’m so tired. I’m tired and I feel worn out and if I can’t find this shoe my whole weekend will be black. I’m still here and trying but sometimes. I wish I could just have a really big rest. No worries necessary. 

A turn up for the books

I got to the bottom of it. He was honest with me at last. I will explain all in a minute. First, to catch up:

Jacks appointment with CAMHS resulted in them putting him forward for ADOS. That’s the big test for Autism. His brother had one and got a diagnosis right off the bat. His sister never had one and got diagnosis regardless. Either way it’s a positive step and a big move forwards.

They had a weekend with their dad last week. It went pretty well. We are talking again. It’s like nothing happened which is pretty standard. Confusing but oh well. I guess when you’ve been in someone’s life for so long it’s hard to keep a grudge going. I don’t know; I don’t really mind. So long as things are peaceful and he wants to be my friend I’ll be here. Aren’t I always.

My meds have been upped to maximum dose. I can’t remember if I told you that. I’m back in the doctors in 3 weeks and will see how it goes. It’s all we can do I guess. 

My 3 and 8 year olds have had the chicken pox this week. It has been in turns cute and cuddly and hellish and horrendous. I’ll take either one; the cute and cuddly tends to follow the other!

And so… on to him. 

We started talking again. Of course we did. And I finally just blurted it all out. The whole deal, how I felt, how weird he’s been to be around. The lot. No holds barred. And I said if he can’t answer me honestly (will we ever be in a relationship) then just forget it. It’s fine, whatever, etc. 48 hours went by in silence. I blocked him on Facebook. I deleted his number and his texts. I was done.

Then he messaged me. 

He didn’t know what to say to me. He hopes I’m well and I’ll be happy; I deserve to be. However the kids put him off. He doesn’t enjoy being around kids and he doesn’t want to get used to having to be around them. 

Well. Of course that was it, and no mistake. My inner dragon reacted and she was not happy. Needless to say I’ll not be contacting him again. I’m still angry now. I don’t think he was intentionally trying to make me angry, but it certainly did. The most placid person in the world has an angry streak a mile wide and curse all who call out these kids. No sir, I will not take it. I won’t stand for it not at all. Fuck him. So it’s over. And he can jog on. I’m not happy. But I’m angry and that’s better than being sad and mourning the loss of something that only existed in my heart. (I’m in blue, as always)


So that’s it. Tonight I’m getting drunk because it’s a happy Saturday and I’m going to watch Harry Potter and eat Chinese food until I sleep the sleep of the drunk. Hopefully tomorrow I will wake feeling like doing some painting! Happy weekend to you. 

Scary doors

I have opened my door twice today. This is big news. I feel like I’ve just run a race. My heart is pounding but I’m proud of myself.

Usually when the door goes if it’s not a package I get one of the big boys to answer it or I ignore it. I can’t deal with not knowing who is there or having to speak to someone I don’t know. It terrifies me. 

Twice. That’s more than in a normal week. 

First one was a man from up the road asking for a package that we took in for him about a month ago. 

Second one was the doorstep loan man asking if he could talk to me about my payments and previous agents etc. I arranged for him to come back Friday. I will sort it out. 

That’s a lot for me to have accomplished by 10:44 on a Wednesday morning. Already I feel like it’s been a hugely long day.

This may not seem a big deal to you. But my anxiety is such that it trips me up in the biggest of ways for the smallest of things. This is huge for me.  

I guess it can only carry on. Let’s hope. 

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