I was going to do a catchup – I’ve lots to tell you – but im freaking out instead. It’s half past 1 in the morning and I’ve just got onto the couch. I’ve been awake for ages. I was asleep for an hour and a half. It was a great sleep, vivid dreams, warmth, craziness. All winners.
Certain things you can put up with when you’re mentally – ill? – different. I’m currently off my meds’ so I don’t know what’s me and what’s not. It’s been a few weeks – I thought I’d made a note of the dates but I haven’t. I think I’m on the third week without but it feels much longer. I’m not sure at all.
So. Seeing things that aren’t there, predominantly in the garden, at night? Fine. I can live with that. I can put it all down to other things. An overactive imagination. Treading the line between sleep and waking. Trusting that it’s all good and I’m really safe. I can totally have some faith and live with that.
Hearing things that aren’t there I can’t. Not in the middle of the night. I don’t like whispers at the best of times. A voice whispering loudly in my ear? No. Ohhhh no.
Being terrified when all I want to do is sleep? Can’t do it. I’m used to being awake so many times in the middle of the night, that’s fine. Terror is somewhat different.
I have a Mr Fantastic all night every night to keep me safe.
Looking at it objectively I’m really quite used to being scared to a certain extent. I’ve been regularly freaking out like this since I was 13 – however this is the first big one since Mr F and I moved in together.
I’m used to feeling rubbish about the sleeping and the waking and the not having much of a what’s actual reality/what’s not actual reality line there in the middle. That’s fine. Dealable.
I’m even kind of used to having the odd freaking out night. The ones where you do actually get scared at everything and you do get worried about things and you do generally just suffer for 8 of the longest hours of your life. Exhaustion is fine, it’s easy and you know what you’re going to get. Not this though. This hurts. It’s scary.
Im laying on the couch with ALL the lights on. The Amazing World of Gumball on the telly, the volume turned up just loud enough that it’s clearly disturbing my 4 year old but not quite enough for him to wake. Yet. I’m so tired. I’m exhausted. But I can’t let go because that space between waking and sleeping is the scary one. That’s my help but I don’t want to. I don’t want to.
I feel sick.
Update: The 4 year old woke up about ten minutes after I posted this. He was awake until half past 4. We got back into bed around then. Last time on the clock I saw was 5am. Up again at 6.15. 4 year old slept in until 7.